I keep thinking about being attacked by my mother’s boyfriend when I was visiting my mom (I was newly 18). Him saying there wasn’t room enough in my mother’s life for both of us. Me fleeing, hiding in the bushes in my underwear, since he’d appeared when I was getting ready for bed. The landlord making him leave.

The next night, he came over. He said, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you are a bitch.” My mother tried to force me to sit down and watch tv with them.

I was penniless, carless.

I called my aunt, who told my mother to let me read in my old room, not to force me to have happy family tv time.

I’m thinking about his, of course, because we were all attacked on Wednesday.

And now the Republicans are calling for unity.

They aren’t even faking an apology.

They aren’t sorry.

They’re still calling the terrorists heroes and patriots

Or they’re saying it was the liberals who answered Trump’s call.

They’re still saying we rigged the election.

They’re still saying we’re evil, we’re socialists, we’re anti-American.

Their idea of unity is to keep lying about us, to keep riling up their lunatic base, to keep eroding democracy, to keep praising the people who fly Nazi flags in their name.

They don’t want unity.

All they want is for us to not blame them, to not hold them accountable, to not enforce the laws, to allow them to keep dividing us more with every breath.

As Americans die in increasing numbers, my anxiety is ramping back up to late March and April levels.

I can’t sleep.

I miss seeing people. I miss eating out. I miss in-person classes. I miss sex. I miss touching people and animals that don’t live with me. I miss only being worried about what has brought me to the doctor’s office that day, instead of how the visit itself could hurt me.

And I’m terrified.

Terrified of my fellow Americans: the cousins and brothers-in-law and college friends in our feeds, at our grocery stores, masklessly delivering our food because we’re scared to go to the grocery store, who tell us this isn’t real, or that it is but it’s only going to kill off the weak (like me), or that masks don’t work 100% so why bother, or that most of those quarter of a million dead Americans probably actually just died of heart attacks and strokes (it’s just a coincidence that they were intubated at the time), or that they’re safe because they take baths, or that Jesus will protect them, or that all the doctors are lying to make more money . . . .

Prove us wrong, assholes.

Let’s do an experiment.

Put on the masks, wash your hands, practice social distancing. Do it for a month.

If the numbers don’t change, even though we all did it, then you were right. My mask was always a useless piece of fabric, like a tie.

Even if Trump weren’t Trump, I would still be voting for Biden.

Not because Biden is my dream candidate or because the Democratic party is progressive enough for me.

But because there’s a clear difference between it and the Republican party’s positions.

The Republican Party (RP) won’t admit there’s structural racism. In fact, it claims “reverse racism” is worse.

RP doesn’t accept climate science.

RP isn’t just coming after abortion–it wants to take away my right birth control.

RP is rolling back protections for the many rape victims on campuses, focusing instead on the exceedingly rare cases of false rape claims.

RP wants to take some of my tax money away from public schools and give it to private schools, schools that can discriminate against students, which can refuse to accept troubled or disabled students, and which don’t have to uphold the same standards.

PR believes in draconian immigration laws.

RP thinks police get to shoot to kill, no matter what the situation.

RP believes in the death penalty.

RP doesn’t want LGBTQA+ people to have equal protection and rights under the law.

RP believes in “religious liberty,” which is the “liberty” to discriminate, sometimes lethally.

RP believes our laws should be based on their interpretation of the Bible. This is Sharia law and violates the separation between church and state.

RP believes certain kinds of science shouldn’t be taught in schools (see Sharia law, above).

RP is the only 1st world major political party that doesn’t believe in evolution. Even the Catholic Church thinks the RP is wrong on this one.

RP wants to restrict the social safety net significantly. Many Republicans would rather end it for everyone than have any people benefit who don’t “deserve” to.

RP is the only 1st world major political party that rejects universal healthcare.

RP doesn’t believe any form of protest is okay, if you’re protesting them. If you’re on their side, taking over a government building while carrying semi-automatic weapons is fine.

RP doesn’t like higher education.

RP wants to pretend America has always been perfect.

RP worships the generals of racist insurrectionists who lost a war against my country.

RP is supported by, endorsed by, and filled with KKK members, incels, and other white terrorists, and the RP minimizes their terrorism and refuses to combat it, even though their own government intelligence agencies are clear about the threat.

RP turns away refugees.

RP claims that they’re the only patriotic ones and the only moral ones, despite enormous evidence to the contrary.

RP often resists giving aid after natural disasters.

RP only wants some parts of history taught in history classes, while claiming that’s not indoctrination.

RP attacks a democratically-elected Governor, encourages her overthrow, and then blames her when their supporters follow their encouragement.

RP has an ineffective Cuba policy. Its leader’s relationships with dictatorships around the world are inconsistent, often encourage human rights abuses, and are far too cozy with the worst..

RP would invalidate some of my friends’ marriages and take away some of my friends’ children.

RP has alienated most of our allies.

RP’s own studies confirm Russian interference in our elections, but doesn’t take action.

RP denies the realities of the pandemic and what we could do to stop it. Its members keep saying we need to “reopen safely” but tell their supporters that the most basic safety measures shouldn’t be followed if doctors, scientists, or liberals suggest them.

RP has rolled back countless environmental regulations.

RP wants people in jail for smoking pot.

RP bails out banks, but not families.

RP is fine with crippling college debt.

RP sees wages stay stagnant for decades, while the cost of everything we pay for with our wages has skyrocketed by comparison, but does not support a living wage.

RP is probably thinking I shouldn’t have said the last thing, since CEO wages have increased at a much higher rate than inflation (they probably think that disproves my point somehow).

RP supports a higher tax rate on me than on the wealthy and corporations.

RP claims it’s the party of the economy, but the trend in my lifetime has been Republican=recession, Democrat=recovery.

RP refused to seat judges nominated by a black guy and then said it was the black guy’s fault for “leaving all those seats open.”

RP’s policy regarding abortion will drive the abortion rate up, and I don’t want that.

RP says the government shouldn’t have a say in my healthcare; instead, the insurance company, which will only turn a profit if it refuses the care I need, gets to make the decisions.

RP fights against all gun control legislation, even those policies the majority of its members and the majority of NRA members support.

RP pretends Puerto Ricans and other colonists aren’t American and tries to refuse them help after natural disasters.

RP is anti-union.

RP often supports unilateral treaty breaks, rather than building international consensus. At the same time, it rejects the UN, WHO, etc. Under Republicans, the US usually tries to put a gag order on overseas family planning aid, which ends up causing increased abortion numbers, and refuses to support war crimes legislation, in fear that an American might get in trouble for committing them.

RP pretends the Constitution was written by omniscient people who foresaw every social, economic, and political change, crisis, and challenge we would ever undergo (aka Originalism).

RP wants to limit voting, to make it harder. It spreads false stories about voter fraud, while some of its members publicly admit its goal is to curb liberal’s ability to vote.

What do the RP and I have in common? We both want this country to be different and better than it is.

We have very different ideas about what “better” means and in some cases, like lowering the abortion rate, very different ideas about how to do it.

We’re also both hypocritical sometimes about our states’ rights positions.

Increasingly, it seems like we’re living in different worlds. They think Biden is a radical socialist. And we think he’s too conservative.

And if I use the “are you better off now” metric, the decision to vote for Biden is even easier.

My life is much, much worse than it was four years ago, economically, socially, and emotionally.

For example, even though I’m the President of an academic society, I’m not allowed to attend some academic conferences right now, FFS–because the EU has banned us! Many family members have Covid. I have to worry about my brother, who not only is getting over Covid, but who doesn’t have insurance because of the GOP control of Florida, and I have to worry because of the constant hurricanes heading toward him, which is what the scientists said would happen if we didn’t do something about climate change. I can’t see my friends safely. Most of the students and I hate online learning; it’s also a lot more work and a lot worse for my body. My lungs have been aching because of a fire for over two months–a fire the GOP tries to blame California for, instead of acknowledging climate change. The only people who touch me are doctors, and I miss oxytocin so much. My medication makes me immuno-compromised, so I fear dying of a disease the GOP keeps lying about. My son could bring Covid home to me from work; all it would take is one person not being careful or being deliberately toxic. I had a socially distanced visit, and my one year old nephew kept trying to come to me–he’s always been able to come to me–I was the first non-parent and non-hospital person to touch him–but I had to tell him that he couldn’t. I had to tell a baby I love not to touch me, knowing that he couldn’t understand why, that he would think I didn’t love him. All of the budgets are strained, which is bad news for nontenured faculty, especially with a GOP that won’t support workers’ rights. Trump’s China policies caused much fewer Chinese students to enroll, and I’ve lost many junior colleagues who taught them. My already-ridiculous rent keeps going up. After paying $800 a month for almost ten years, I only managed to pay down a couple thousand in principle and owe more money than I borrowed for my degrees. It seems like almost every day, another unarmed person of color has been shot and all I can do is cry and fight and march and be mad when people criticize BLM by intentionally misinterpreting it with an “only” in front, and I don’t buy for a second the other side’s argument that it’s just a few bad apples, not only because of the pervasiveness, but because the GOP always sides with the cop, every. single. time. and you would think if they really believed in a few bad apples, they would be able to point to one cop who murdered a guy and say, “see–that’s a bad apple: he should face justice,” but the POC always deserves it and every cop is innocent, they say, while we wonder why Dylan Roof got a hamburger from the cops after murdering black people in a house of god because they were black when we’re pretty sure a black man who killed white people in a church a) wouldn’t be taken alive b) wouldn’t hear some version of “killing whitey must really work up an appetite, so here’s a snack” and to wonder why, after everything, a heavily armed white man who just shot a bunch of people at a protest is able to walk by police, while people are screaming to those police that he just murdered someone, and not get arrested, but then when he does, “Christians” raise money for him and deny white privilege, and the pastor of a church in my town says that murderer would make a good President.

This is a country in which a violent man who murdered a teenager sells autographed skittles to his fans. We know which party those fans vote for.

This election is about Trump and it isn’t.

Even if someone else were running on the RP ticket, the RP would still have all those distasteful positions.

And they would still be the party who, for the last four years, let a traitorous psychopath run my country.

This week, we’re watching Trumpers defend the President’s lies about how serious the virus was, despite years of their insistence that he tells the truth all the time.

Let’s pretend, for the sake of argument, that he honestly wanted to downplay it to avoid a panic–that it wasn’t about the stock market or his re-election.

He could have still brought us together. He could have said that we could easily deal with the threat, if we listened to our doctors and our scientists, if we followed their recommendations to not spread it.

But instead, he said it was like a cold or flu.

But instead, he said our doctors and scientists couldn’t be trusted.

But instead, he said our healthcare workers were stealing supplies.

But instead, he touted a dangerous cure–a drug his friends had stocks in.

But instead, he said he wanted to withhold funding from blue states, to punish us for not liking him.

But instead, he said the whole thing was a Democratic hoax, designed to take away freedom, to ruin America, to weaken his chances for re-election.

But instead, he said encouraging things about violent threats against democratically-elected state and local officials who (gasp!) took the threat seriously and told people to mask up.

But instead, he said things that made his followers think all of us who wore masks were brainwashed at best and traitors at worst.

Let’s make an important distinction about how he could have “downplayed” this: he didn’t say we misunderstood the severity. He said we were evil people who hate America.

Cause he would hate to panic anyone.

I know I’ve been playing this game for almost four years, and I’m tired of it too, but I have to ask you, Trumpers, if Obama did this–if he lied about a pandemic threat, if he said Republicans were making it up because they’re traitors, if he wanted to withhold aid from red states, if 192,000 (as of today) Americans had died, and if he doubled-down on the lies every time he got caught, would you really tell me he was right to lie to us?

Last night, I could not sleep

There was a bag by the door, my hospital go-bag.

It’s been waiting for months, because of Covid.

It was joined by a new bag.

The evacuations were only two towns over, and I had to be ready to leave.

My phone was beside me, left on.

But I couldn’t sleep, because I was afraid I wouldn’t hear it.

There was already ash in my mouth, smoke in my already weakened lungs.

If I slept, how soon before the fire was at the door?

I thought about what would happen if I had to grab one of the bags.

About how the President would never hear my name, just a number about evacuees or the dead someone would try to get him to listen to while he was golfing, tweeting about tires, embracing QAnon, retweeting racists, wishing pedophiles well, testing out new words to call Kamala, blaming California for being in a drought, a heat wave, and a lightening storm all at once, wishing the citizens who live here ill.

This post is not about how Republicans, who decry “cancel culture,” are trying to “cancel” Dolly Parton because she supports BLM.

It is about how learning Dolly Parton supports it should maybe make you reconsider. Dolly Parton doesn’t hate white people, the police, ‘Merica, or Jesus. She understands that “Black Lives Matter” doesn’t have an “only” in front of it, which is why she said, “of course Black lives matter. Do we think our little white asses are the only ones that matter? No!”

If you don’t support BLM, it’s likely because you’re believing the Republican racist lies about what it means.

(Or you’re a racist.)

This post is also about how if you’re no longer a fan of Dolly Parton for saying, literally, that white asses aren’t the only ones that matter in this world, you have never been a fan of Dolly Parton.

You may like some of her songs, but you don’t know her.

Dolly Parton HAS ALWAYS BEEN PROGRESSIVE.

Her first movie (for which she memorized the entire script, cause that’s how she thought it works, which makes her even more adorable than she already is) was a #metoo film, decades ahead of its time.

Dolly Parton believes in helping the poor. Her foundation has given away over a million books to poor children, has rebuilt homes lost in natural disasters, and given scholarships to needy children.

She has also been active in animal charities and AIDS work.

Dolly Parton believes in science, which is why she donated a million dollars to our quest for a Covid vaccine.

Dolly Parton supports gay rights–when I last saw her perform, before gay marriage was legal, she made sure the whole audience knew where she stood.

Dolly Parton gives a shit about immigrants. Way back in 1980, her album, 9 to 5 and Odd Jobs, featured a song about the dehumanization of guest workers and the undocumented, “Deportee.”

That song broke this little girl’s heart.

If you are surprised by Dolly’s support of BLM, you were never her fan in the first place.

Dolly, never go away.
Promise you’ll never go away.

My mother said that Obama was going to take away our rights as white women.

My grandparents wanted a garden, to grow vegetables, to survive the race war Obama was going to start.

Except he didn’t.

He didn’t violate the Constitution. He didn’t take away their guns.

In fact, his attempts to work with the party that (in many cases literally) demonized him frustrated us.

We knew there was no way to work with people who called him a racist for empathizing with Trayvon Martin’s parents.

We are at a crisis point, one that’s long in coming. The same party that told us racism was over is also full of White Supremacists–racists that the party and its leader won’t disavow.

When armed whites forced the Michigan government to stop functioning with their threats of violence, the President applauded. He encouraged an armed rebellion against his own country.

That same President then tear-gassed peaceful protesters this week and has incited lethal violence against them.

I’m watching white people bend themselves into ridiculous positions to write off the BLM movement.

Luckily for them, they’re very limber from all of the practice:

They believe that you can never question the police and somehow that there isn’t a single violent racist one.

If an unarmed black (or brown or “red”) person dies, it’s okay because that person broke the law once when they were a teenager.

If that person dies, it’s because they didn’t follow instructions nicely or fast enough.

Even if the did, it’s still okay if they died, because any time an officer is scared for a second, he gets to kill someone.

We aren’t allowed to have self-defense in these cases. No one can raise their hands to shield themselves or to try to run away or to say they can’t breathe. Any attempt to not to be murdered by the cop will be seen as exactly why the cop gets to kill the person.

After the murder, no one gets to protest.

If they do, they hate America and all cops and veterans and Jesus.

If they do, the Vice President will use tax payer dollars to protest them protesting.

If they do, the President will say they should lose their jobs.

However they choose to protest will be the wrong way.

If there’s even one violent protester, white people get to dismiss the entire movement.

What a relief for them.

No one wants the economy to fail. No one wants to stay under lockdown forever.

I really hate strawman fallacies, especially when it’s my point of view being painted as anti-American.

That’s why I try to empathize with those on the other side. Those who want to reopen everything are varied. Some think the disease is a hoax. Some equate following safety protocols with being a democrat–and they hate democrats. Some believe that this is a massive government power grab. Some go further, believing this is a demonic conspiracy to force a one-world government. Some believe the government can’t ever tell them what to do. Some think we need to establish herd immunity by getting infected (in this plan, the “weak” are sacrificed for the strong). Some are just focused on the economy–at micro and macro levels.

Those of us who want to follow the science on when to reopen aren’t ignoring the economy. We’re angry about how the stimulus money was used, with almost all of the benefits going to the rich. But reopening now won’t fix the economy; it will further hurt the middle and lower class. If your restaurant is open but not enough people are coming, you have no access to emergency help. Your immuno-compromised staff members have to come to work or starve; no unemployment help will be given.

The current administration’s plan is to suspend aid to us and to take away the ACA. There’s no future where we won’t have a recession, but there are ways to mitigate it.

Rich people and corporations pay lower tax rates than I do. How about evening that out? How about not allowing stimulus money to go to corporations and businesses that don’t pay American taxes? How about making sure everyone has access to healthcare? How about a work program? How about making sure whatever stimulus packages we pass actually go to the people who need it? We’re the richest and most powerful nation in the world. Our citizens should not be starving or dying because of our backward belief that the poor and unemployed just made bad choices but that Fortune 500 companies deserve our tax dollars.

We all want to reopen as soon as it’s safe. Fellow citizens, your actions make it harder to believe we’ll be safe. Stop marching with guns. Stop threatening to kill the rest of us. Stop attacking health care workers and store employees. Don’t spit on people or yell at people wearing masks.

If you would put your damn mask on to go shopping, maybe we would agree with you that people should be able to “make a choice” about what stores to go to.

Your choices affect all of us. Show us you could make the right ones.

The reason the current administration doesn’t wear masks is because they and their staff are tested every day. Demand testing.

Fox News says we should return to normal, but it’s ordering its staff to follow social distancing guidelines.

Don’t we all deserve to be just as safe as someone who works at Fox?

Support more testing, support tracking, support aid to workers and families, support PPE, support social distancing.

Maybe some of you do, but that’s not what I’m seeing at your rallies or in your posts.

I’m seeing a false choice–that either we stay inside forever or we all do whatever the fuck we want cause you have guns and some flags, many of which aren’t even American flags.

The middle ground is that we invest a lot in safety, and then we go outside. Can we do that?

I have family members who think the government is overreaching. The government overreaches a lot, but I’m not worried about these lockdown orders or about the hidden conspiracies.

I’m worried about the right-out-there-in-the-open conspiracies.

Like when Trump asks why blue states should get aid.

Or when he touts a dangerous drug because it’s personally profitable for him and his friends.

Or when he says people should stay at home, unless the governor is a democrat, and then he supports armed insurrection.

Or when he says we don’t need testing or tracking.

Or when he says we shouldn’t vote online.

Or when his son-in-law says the election might not happen in November.

Just like you, I really wish my greatest fear was the virus right now.

I’ve already voted via mail-in ballot. This year, Warren is my choice.

Last time, I voted for Bernie in the primaries and then happily for Clinton in the national. Do I agree with Clinton on everything? No. Was she better in every single respect than Trump? Yes.

The person I wanted the whole time, though, was Warren. We line up well, politically. In addition to our shared aspirations, I like that she proposes actual plans to get them done and has a track record of doing the work to make things happen.

All over my social media, I’m seeing debates about who can beat Trump. Will moderates (of both parties) come to a Democratic Socialist, when studies and observational evidence show that most Americans seem not to know what that term means? Will sexists (in both parties) vote for–gasp–a woman?!?

(A woman won the popular vote last time . . .)

I honestly don’t know how this will all play out, mostly because we are so horribly irrational.

Despite everything that’s happened in the last three years, there are still voters who will sit out the election if their favorite person isn’t the nominee. That’s irrational. Despite everything, Trump’s supporters will never, ever defect. Some of them literally think he’s God’s new prophet. They’re irrational (and terrifying). Despite everything, all those “never Trumpers” and “good” Republicans will vote for Trump to avoid having to pay a cent in higher taxes (also known as paying the same rate I do), to avoid enabling people to live longer and healthier lives (even if it lowers their overall out of pocket costs for all of us), to avoid being a member of the party that loses the election. They’re rational, actually, if we acknowledge they’re just assholes.

I have no idea which candidate could actually beat Trump. The world slid off its axis several years ago.

In this primary, I get to vote my conscience.

I want Warren as my President, so badly.

In the general, even if she isn’t my candidate, I’ll vote Democratic. And I’ll still be voting my conscience. Because none of these candidates, not even (shudder) Bloomberg, is as dangerous as Trump.