2020 by the Numbers

Dr Karma December 31, 2020

2020 started badly, and it didn’t get better. I was desperately ill at the beginning of the year, from an illness I got in Greece right before Christmas. It kept giving me pink eye, and I couldn’t hear out of my left ear for over a month. Doing the dishes exhausted me. I missed Christmas and New Years.

I was too ill to travel to MLA and still sick when classes began.

I was so happy in early March, to be healthy enough to travel again. Looking back at my conference in New Orleans, less than a week before UCD locked down, I’m horrified. Courtney was supposed to come, but her university was smart enough not to let her. I wandered around the French quarter, visiting my old haunts, establishing new ones, thinking only of my twisted ankle, not knowing that so many people I saw there would get a virus none of us were prepared for, only days later.

(Maybe if our President had been honest with us, as he was with Bob Woodward . . .)

Once we all knew what was happening, despite half the country’s insistence it wasn’t, I was anxious, and I couldn’t sleep. The only thing that helped the first wave of anxiety was making a document for my son about what to do if I got it and preparing a go-bag for hospital.

The document is still on my desktop.

The go-bag is still packed.

And then we were forced online.

And then there were fires. And I packed other bags, in case we needed to evacuate.

By summer, I was certified to teach online and balancing the first summer session okay–I was reading in the afternoons on my hammock, doing my yoga, and taking a long walk every day. I was doing miraculous things with my CSA box.

Then, right before my birthday and before summer session 2 started, my back went out. And my two summer session classes bled into my six fall courses, and my back was still bad.

And the boy started grad school.

And then I had a couple of months in which I bled so badly, for so long, that I lost even more energy.

And I couldn’t even walk around the block. And I was barely able to get the work done, though I did.

I did.

And all the while, Trump and the Republicans were lying about Covid. And those of us who were trying to stay safe were mocked.

I’m now on the edge of a new school term, after a shorter break than usual. MLA is in a few days. I have to do the Atwood journal. Four classes, none of which I’ve taught online before, start in a few days.

It’s time for a messy “by the numbers.” Asterisks denote what I particularly loved.

Podcasts I appeared on: 4

Weeks in a two month period in which I bled, usually heavily: 6.

Days in 2020 that my 2019 tree was up: 33

New (to me) shows binged: 48: Flowers; Dracula; Watchmen*; The Mandalorian; Miracle Workers; Avenue 5*; Seven Worlds, One Planet; Picard; The Good Fight; Evil; Veep; The Miniaturist; Run*; The Great; Self Made; The Kominsky Method; Upload*; Space Force; Unorthodox; Vida; Breeders; Brockmire; I’ll Be Gone in the Dark; Planet Earth; Devs; Perry Mason*; Modern Love; Hang Ups; Psych; The Wire*; Warrior Nun; I May Destroy You*; Lovecraft Country*; Ghost Bride; Another Life; Big Little Lies; Breeders; Away; Muppets Now**; The Undoing; Stath Lets Flats*; The Duchess; The Expanse*; Delicious; Woke*; Ramy; Supernatural; Star Trek: Lower Decks*

new shows I tried but gave up on: tons

shows I had to stop watching after season 3 for my mental health because I hated the middle daughter so much: 1 (Better Things)

Old shows I kept up with: 22*: Schitt’s Creek, Outlander, Seth Meyers (the first part), Bob’s Burgers, The Simpsons, Grace and Frankie, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Shrill, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver; Star Trek Discovery; Samantha Bee; Killing Eve; What We Do in the Shadows; Last Kingdom; After Life; Dead to Me; SNL; At Home with Amy Sedaris; The Umbrella Academy; The Crown; His Dark Materials; Brooklyn 99; Fargo; Better Call Saul

Old shows I binged again: 13*: Doctor Who; Monty Python’s Flying Circus; Sherlock; Call the Midwife; Barry; Baskets; Downton Abbey; Good Omens; The Good Place (twice); Counterpart; One Mississippi; Stranger Things; Arrested Development

Podcasts: Wait Wait*; Invisibilia; Up First; Fresh Air; Birbiglia’s Working It Out*; RadioLab; Serial; This American Life*; Nice White People; Short Wave; The Devil’s Violin*; You’re Wrong About*; Morning Edition; Hidden Brain; NPR’s New Music Fridays on Spotify; All Things Considered

Mix tapes made for my friends: 3

New favorite band: Tele Novella

Letters of rec written: 25

Movies out (before the dark times): 7: Little Women; Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker, Parasite; Knives Out*; Oscar Animated Shorts; 1917; Birds of Prey

watched filmed comedy specials by: Whitney Cummings; David Cross; Leslie Jones; Daniel Sloss; Michael Ian Black; Amanda Seales; Patton Oswalt; Jim Gaffigan; Kevin Hart; Wanda Sykes

Favorite new Christmas special: Lego Star Wars

Movies I watched at home: Not as many as you’d think, but still too many to remember. Best: Enola Holmes

Surprising crushes I nursed while watching too much TCM: 2

William Powell, whose crazy powerful charm more than makes up for having a mustache.

Jane Russell, who makes me question my heterosexuality almost as much as Salma Hayek.

Plays Out (before the dark times): 8: Sarah Nurse of Salem; Alabaster; Dear Evan Hansen; The Play That Goes Wrong*; Peter and the Star Catcher; The Piano Lesson; Cyrano; Fleabag*.

Plays streaming, including “live” plays done in innovative Zoom ways: 13: One Man, Two Guvnors; School Girls; Jane Eyre*; Ann; Gloria; How it Happened; Become the Flowers; The Great Leap; Russian Troll Farm; Uncle Vanya; Barbecue; Time Stands Still; Heroes of the Fourth Turning

Books: 72, including rereads: American War by Omar El Akkad*; The Truth by Michael Palin; Lady Oracle by Atwood; The Color Purple by Alice Walker; Smoke Gets In Your Eyes* & From Here to Eternity* by Caitlin Doughty; Step Aside, Pops by Kate Beaton*; We Ride Upon Sticks by Quan Barry; American Sherlock by Kate Winkler Dawson; Wow, No Thank You by Samantha Irby*; The House of Broken Angels by Luis Alberto Urrea; Tamsin by Peter S. Beagle; Catherine House by Elisabeth Thomas; Horrorstor by Grady Hendrix; There’s Nothing in This Book I Meant to Say by Paula Poundstone; The Accidental Further Adventures of the Hundred-Year-Old Man by Jonas Jonasoon; They Did Bad Things by Lauren A Forry; Little Bee by Chris Cleave; 1491 by Charles C. Mann; Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia; This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone*; Holy Sister by Mark Lawrence; Born a Crime by Trevor Noah*; The Girl at the Baggage Claim by Gish Jen; Crossings by Alex Landragin; The Rook by Daniel O’Malley*; When They Call You a Terrorist by Patrisse Khan-Cullors & Asha Bandele*; The Bone Shard Daughter by Andrea Stewart; A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik*; So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo; How to Be an Anti-Racist by Ibram X Kendi*; The Nickel Boys by Colson Whitehead*; Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs by Caitlin Doughty*; Solutions and Other Problems by Allie Brosh*; The Night Circus by Eric Morgenstern*; MaddAddam by Margaret Atwood*; The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood*; Southern Book Club’s Guide to Vampire Slaying by Grady Hendrix; The Thirty Names of Night by Zeyn Joukhadar; The Plastic Magician by Charlie N. Holmberg*; Terra Incognita by Connie Willis; Truth and Beauty by Anne Patchett; Spellbreaker by Charlie N. Holmberg*; Why Fish Don’t Exist by Lulu Miller**; the first 5 Jane Yellowrock novels by Faith Hunter; Doomsday Book by Connie Willis*; Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel*; Meat Cute by Gail Carriger; The Glass Hotel by Emily St. John Mandel; In an Absent Dream by Seanan McGuire*; The Consuming Fire by John Scalzi*; Network Effect by Martha Wells*; The Last Emperox by John Scalzi*; To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis; Come Tumbling Down by Seanan McGuire*; Caleb’s Crossing by Geraldine Brooks; A Tale of Time City by Diana Wynne Jones; The Sinister Mystery of the Mesmerizing Girl by Theodora Goss; The Inheritance Trilogy, The Killing Moon, The Broken Earth Trilogy by N.K. Jemisin; Parasite by Mira Grant*; Early Writings by Margaret Atwood, a new collection; Dark Archives by Megan Rosenbloom

Times I discovered that the UCD library only had 1 Jemisin book, so I asked Roberto to fix it and then all of her books appeared for me (you’re welcome, UCD): 1

Other readings, including my comics, my New Yorkers, my Discovers, my Science Fiction and Fantasy Magazines, etc: who knows? A LOT.

Times Margaret Atwood had a problem and I got Roberto to solve it: 1

Books that got a fair shot: 39

Negative thoughts about my body shape/size: countless

New Favorite Recipes: 17: Quesadillas that the boy makes; Greek Chicken Skewers; Honey Curry Chicken; Ranch Pork Chops; Honey Garlic Pork Chops; Katsu; Chinese-spiced Ribs; Bolognese; Oven Fried Chicken; Butter Chicken; Tim’s Zucchini Bread; My new marinara sauce; Curried Chicken and Zucchini; Roasted Chicken with Figs and Rosemary; Mexican Street Corn Chowder; Roasted Cauliflower Curry Stew; Chile Verde Stew

Summer CSAs that pushed my creativity: 1

Fall CSAs that I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle: 1

Imperfect Foods subscriptions to replace my CSA: 1

Uterine scrapings: 1

Servings of crawfish pie: 2

Classes taught: 16

Days of 2020 when we were working out of contract: 335

Ridiculous UC Bargaining Sessions I observed: 6

Oscar parties: 1

Times I made my own pastrami: 1

Pounds I put on: 5-7, depending on the day.

Campus roles given up: 1: Upper Division Composition Exam Director

Covid Tests: 2

Ultrasounds: 2

Endoscopies: 1

TMJ splints created: 1

Times I was disappointed when the doctor looking at my hyperflexibility didn’t ask me if I could clap with one hand: 1

Poison rings acquired: 1

Hammocks I didn’t get to spend enough time in: 1

Awards won by Amy, which I nominated her for: 1

Stand-up performed: 3

Museums: 4: Voodoo Museum; Pharmacy Museum*; WWII Museum; Backstreet Museum

Expensive surgeries for Anubis: 1

Live Comedy via Zoom etc: 20: Keith Lowell Jensen; Maria Bamford (x2); My students (x3); John Cleese; Grep Proops; Norm Macdonald; Todd Barry (x2); Myq (3); Ron Funches (x2); Judah Friedlander; Mike Birbiglia (x3).

Campus Book Project Events I led: 2

Talks to Graduate Students, in which I was apparently racist and classist, for saying they should proofread and be able to take questions: 1

Atwood Book Launches I participated in: 2

New pairs of glasses: 1

Grey streaks: 2

Shots into my spine: 2

Most times I heard, in one day, “wow, your arm won’t stop bleeding”: 2

Broken phones: 1

New Diagnoses: 1

Pages of the single-spaced PDF reappointment application for my job: 57

When I reached my insurance copay limit: June

When they stopped billing me: December 29th

Long phone calls I anticipate making in 2021 to get my money back: 6

December 2020 xmas trees I ended up with: 2

Times I ate out on a patio after the dark times started: 1

Times I went to TJ’s, Safeway, and Target in person after the dark times started (total): 7

Times I ate in a restaurant, went to a movie, had book group, etc. after the dark times started: 0

Days in relative isolation/lockdown: 296

Types of Christmas cookies made: 1

Dates: 0

Times I wished I were dating: 0

Times I wished I could have sex with someone in person: lots

But times I wished I lived with a guy or had a boyfriend: 0

Evenings at my favorite New Orleans bar: 3

Conferences attended in person: 2

Conferences attended virtually: 1

Conferences cancelled: 5

New kitchen toys: 1 (mini air fryer)

Packages that got stolen off my porch, that I know of: 1

Toddler nephews who like to carry a picture of me around the house: 1

Times my chiropractor saw me for the same neck problem: 8

Times he charged me: 1

Spiral hams gotten at the last minute (12/31): 1

Books published: 1

Life-long Republican Mothers who are now Democrats since they stopped watching Fox News: 1

Weeks I had “off” from teaching, but certainly not from prepping/grading: 3

Halloweens I didn’t celebrate: 1

Postcards and letters mailed: over 200

Times I know I didn’t actually do well keeping in touch with the people I love, due to work, illness, exhaustion, and my general aversion to phones: many

Times I was thankful that my friends stuck by me and with me, when old friends reached out unexpectedly, when I was able to make genuine connections to students old and new, and when I got to be thankful for all of you: many more.

Glimmers of hope after the last election: a few

Noisy, adorable, incredibly needed for my sanity and oxytocin kittens acquired: 1

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2020’s Christmas Tree Saga

Dr Karma December 28, 2020

Misc–karmic mistakes?

Christmas trees are my favorite thing about Christmas. I like to get them early and leave them up until MLK day, if possible.

Last year, I was very ill at Christmas, so ill that the only affectation of Christmas was a lit tree, sans ornaments.

This year, I decided to forego picking out a tree in person, opting to buy one online. I made the purchase on the 4th, sad that the delivery date was set for the 10th.

And then I was even sadder, because the 10th came and went. UPS couldn’t track the tree; they’d never gotten it.

As the days went by, I lost hope. I called the company and asked if the tree was really coming. The woman’s response was a simple, “I think I should give you a refund.”

So I went to get my tree in person after all.

We didn’t put up fragile ornaments, because of Snowball.

That was a good decision, because she LOVES the tree. She loves running around it, biting it, jumping on it, deciding which ornaments shouldn’t be on it anymore, and working to bring them down.

Then, a few days before Christmas, when my original tree unexpectedly appeared, we put it on the small patio for her and decorated it with her ribbons and toys.

Thoth also likes it, but Snowball LOVES it.

https://youtu.be/vkChOyGayeA

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On Being “Dr.” Karma

Dr Karma December 14, 2020

Misc–karmic mistakes?, Words, words, words

When I was younger, I thought it was silly for PhDs to call themselves doctors.

At the time, I didn’t understand how academia works. I thought all my teachers were “professors” and that they all had PhDs. Thus, I thought academic PhDs should just call themselves professors.

I’m pretty sure I called everyone “professor” when I was an undergrad, except for people who went by their first names.

But when I was the instructor, in grad school, I blanched at the “Professor.” I encouraged the students to use “Karma.” One student couldn’t handle that. He called me “teach.” One class kept pushing. Could they call me “Dr.”? No. When I explained that I would soon have my Masters, they latched onto that word. They said “Master Karma” with upturned lips, thinking they were being naughty somehow.

When I got my Masters and started teaching community college, about 20 years ago, “Professor” became true, but students didn’t like it. I kept crossing out “Mrs.” in the “Mrs. Waltonen” they addressed their essays to.

Just two years ago, after making the correction on multiple essays, I wrote that phrase on the board. “Okay, who knows why this isn’t my name?”

“But it IS your name,” one stubborn student insisted.

“Because I’m married to Mr. Waltonen?”

“YES!”

“Except I’m not. I’m not married; I’m divorced. And there is no Mr. Waltonen I’m divorced from. If you insist on thinking of me in terms of marital status, then I’m a Ms. But it’s rude. The etiquette rule is to use someone’s highest title. I get to be in this room teaching you because I’m a Dr. and an adjunct Professor.”

Things are more complicated at UCD. I’m not a Professor there, since that word is reserved for tenure-track research faculty.

When I changed from being grad school teacher Karma to Lecturer Karma, I decided “Dr. Karma” was the way to go, especially since I didn’t want to hear my last name mispronounced all day.

I don’t correct students who call me Professor, usually. It’s strange, though, that a generation of students who can give an hour-long lecture on why we need to call people what they prefer to be called, to honor their identity, ignores the part of my syllabus that says, “Dr. Karma or Dr. Waltonen are appropriate ways to address me.”

The more I get involved in fighting for my rights as a lecturer, the more I insist on the proper address from UCD. In union negotiations, UC people regularly claim (lie) that lecturers don’t mentor students or produce research. Thus, when the university features my work, I make sure the word “professor” isn’t there and that “lecturer” and “Dr.” are.

I’ve met people who look askance at my title (they’re often M.D.s). They don’t usually know that “Doctor” comes from an old word for “Teacher” or that M.D.s stole the word from us when they finally professionalized, when they wanted equal respect to PhDs. They definitely don’t know about the complicated politics in the UC system.

When I tell them that I’m not a “professor,” and ask what my students should call me, they relent. They know it would be an insult to pretend I don’t have any advance degrees.

(Also, “Dr. Karma” is just too fucking cool to give up.)

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My Brain Doesn’t Do Subtle Metaphors

Dr Karma November 26, 2020

Misc–karmic mistakes?

This morning, I awoke from a nightmare. My son and I and the cats were hiding in my childhood home in the woods. We couldn’t leave, couldn’t get away, because of the T-Rex hunting us.*

One of the ways I had tried to get us out was raising a T-Rex to defend us, but the larger one killed her.

The dream ended with us huddled in the bathroom (the only room without windows) as the T-Rex was breaking into the sun porch.

At least there were no assholes in the dream, telling me that T-Rexes are hoaxes, that we should let them kill the weak and slow, that Trump did a great job because he banned T-Rexes from one country, while ridiculing those citizens who set up T-Rex defenses . . .

*T-Rex was likely a scavenger, but it makes sense that a dream set in a childhood home would have my childhood beliefs about paleontology.

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Fetch

Dr Karma October 19, 2020

Misc–karmic mistakes?

Most of you have already seen the video of Snowball’s first night playing fetch.

Her consistency was shaky at first, but now she’s reliable.

Each night, when I tell her it’s time for bed, she runs up, and we play fetch while I read.

She likes to play with the toy on the floor for a few minutes before she brings it back to me, which gives me time to turn some pages.

The boy is disappointed that she thinks this is only bedtime behavior; she looks at us like we’re crazy when we ask her to bring a living room toy back to us.

Although she usually gets tired before I put my book down, there have been a few nights when she’s wanted to keep going longer than I could.

And there have been a few when she’s wanted to play in the middle of the night. I’ve woken up with a toy mouse in my hand more than once.

Today, I woke up with one between my collarbones. She was on my chest too; maybe she just wanted all of us to be together.

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End of Summer Q&A

Dr Karma September 28, 2020

Misc–karmic mistakes?

Q: Thanks for checking in with us again, Karma. Are you excited about the start of Fall?

A: It’s going to be 100 tomorrow, it’s still smokey, and some of my friends have been evacuated.

Q: Ah, it’s gonna be one of those interviews.

A: It’s 2020.

Q: What were your goals this summer?

A: Well, once it was clear what summer was going to be, I wanted to get into some good routines for myself. I wanted to try new recipes with my CSA, to take a walk every morning, to read in my hammock for a bit at the end of the work day, and to take Sundays off from school work. And I wanted to do some things on the big “to do” list, like backing up my old family photos.

Q: Did you meet your goals?

A: I tried a bunch of new recipes!

Q: What about the rest?

A: I was doing really well until the start of August. I was up to walking for almost an hour, but then my back went out. Right as two upper division online summer classes were starting. Since I give so much more feedback now, I was having trouble getting away from the computer. And then, once my back was better, the fires started.

Q: Ah, yes. And the air turned yellow and unhealthy.

A: While over 100.

Q: Yes.

A: It’s 2020. Yes. But I created an incredible marinara recipe.

Q: Do you think you’ll be able to get back into good health habits in Fall?

A: I’ll be teaching six classes.

Q: No hammock time?

A: The air is still unhealthy, but I do want to use it in between when the fires let up and the rain starts. If we get that break.

Q: Anything else happen this summer?

A: My brother and nephew got Covid, my rent went up, my hometown (with Covid-recovering family) got hit by a hurricane, and I’ve been bleeding for six out of the last eight weeks.

Q: Let’s leave the audience with sometime positive, shall we?

A: My son started grad school.

Q: And?

A: I got the cutest kitten in the world.

Q: And?

A: I survived. I survived more of this year, even though the natural and unnatural disasters make it hard to get out of bed in the morning. And while I didn’t manage to make any headway on my health or on my big list, I did manage to teach three intensive summer classes and to keep on top of them. And my fall classes are ready to go.

Q: And?

A: And I made a great marinara sauce!

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An objection

Dr Karma September 8, 2020

Chronic Pain, Misc–karmic mistakes?

The other night, I had a strange dream.

One of my healthcare specialists recommended that I join a secret upscale Davis orgy group. He said it would make me feel better.

My first response was “no. I’m so ashamed of my body. I don’t want a whole room full of people to see it.”

He talked me into joining anyway. Unfortunately, my dreamscape didn’t feature a meeting.

I’m sad about what I said about myself.

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Rude Awakening

Dr Karma September 6, 2020

Chronic Pain, Misc–karmic mistakes?

I woke up convinced I was ill, not sure if I’d somehow managed to get a bad cold or the beginning of Covid.

What a relief to discover that I’m ill because the fires are closer and the smoke is hurting my throat, eyes, and lungs!

It’s also 110F today.

(Seriously, 2020, go fuck yourself.)

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Cat Catch-Up

Dr Karma August 11, 2020

Misc–karmic mistakes?

Thoth is still really, really unhappy about being stuck inside. He yowls whenever one of us leaves.

And at about nine every night, he goes back and forth from the patio to the front door, crying, to let me know he wants out.

I’ve even had to show him that doors to water heaters aren’t mystical portals to the outside.

He only stops crying when I take him up to bed.

This week, though, he’s crying AND totally freaked out.

This is Thoth, watching something intently.

His every muscle is tense.

What’s he staring at?

Anubis has turned into a demigorgon.

Thoth won’t go anywhere near him, but he will stare, trying to figure out what’s happened and whether it’s catching.

After racking up almost $2000 at the vet in the last six weeks, he wasn’t getting better, so I paid for a urethra-enlarging surgery.

He has to be coned for two weeks.

And he’s basically been subjected to bottom surgery against his will.

Meanwhile, how’s blind Graymalkin?

Absolutely fine.

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The Convergence

Dr Karma July 30, 2020

Chronic Pain, Misc–karmic mistakes?

Graymalkin, being blind, doesn’t always know how the bathroom works. He often digs a hole in our tiny back patio space, only to stand in it while pooping outside of it.

About once a month, he misses the litter box.

And when he does, it’s spectacular.

He always manages to let loose what seems like a pint of pee, which goes all over the bathroom. He then tries to “cover” it, which means swiping at the tile floor, spreading it around even further. The pee footprints then go all over the house.

When I woke up this morning, I could smell pee, but it wasn’t my primary concern. My back was really bad yesterday. I could get out of bed, however, to discover where the smell was coming from.

Since I didn’t think I should tackle that with a bad back, I closed the bathroom door and went to put paper towels over the paw prints.

And that’s when my back locked all the way up.

Dante will get home from work soon. I wonder if he’ll want to clean up piss or take me to the doctor first.

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