After some discussion on line, a guy* asked for a date, suggesting the next Sunday afternoon.

Me: How about 4 p.m. at Barista Brew Cafe in Davis?

[He didn’t answer, until the day after the date was supposed to happen.]

Him: Hey Gorgeous, I def would like us to meet. I find you very classy and sensual lady. think we will enjoy each-others company. Cant wait to meet you.

Me: What happened on Sunday? I was really surprised that you left me hanging.

Him: sorry, it was a busy day for me. request, can we meet somewhere in Sacramento? what’s up with you ladies of match living anywhere, but Sacramento? I look forward to seeing you Lovely.

Me: Is me living in Davis a problem for you long-term? Would we always have to meet in Sac?

[At this point, I’m worried he may not have a car.]

Him: oh no, distance it’s not a problem at all Lovely. It was just me. I got asked to go to Granite Bay for coffee the other day. Thought to myself, it got to be a charming lady in Sacramento..only looking for one 😉 ? I am eager to meet you. Hope to see you soon.

[Oh, you have a car, but I’m not worth the 20 minutes in it.]

[& then, later]: Cafe some day ?

Me: We can maybe set something up. I have to admit that I’m less excited than I was. It bothered me when you asked me to do something Sun afternoon but then didn’t even write to tell me you were too busy. And then in the next messages, you basically complained that the women you’re meeting don’t live in your city, which I thought was a bit tacky, and also not very empathetic, since none of the people I talk to are in my city either.

[6 days go by]

Him: when are you coming to Sacramento?

Me: At this point, I’m not coming to Sacramento.

*Readers may remember another guy insulting my intelligence after I told him we weren’t a good fit, since he expressed a desire for children. I had to send the guy described in this post a similar message, but rather than being offended, he said he was open to children but not set on them, thus paving the way for things to wrong for other reasons. 🙂

I’m listening to an amazing story on This American Life about an awful troll who ended up apologizing to the woman he actively tried to hurt for years. Over and over again, the woman explains that trolls and their insults, rape threats, and death threats are “just a part of [her] job.”

I’m thinking about two things: the few times I’ve been trolled and the awful way in which society expects women in the public sphere to accept trolling as inevitable.

Naturally, I’m also thinking about how many times this week I’ve thought about taking myself off of dating sites, just giving up, due to the rudeness with which some people respond to me (I’ve been accused of being rude too, and I’ve apologized in those cases).

I’m feeling especially pessimistic this week. I’ve had the usual problems, which I’ve written about and will likely continue writing about, but I’ve also had thee particularly bad experiences.

1) My profile very clearly states (in many ways) that I’m looking for something long-term.

However, some guys hope I’m kidding.

One man (without a profile pic, so he’s probably married) recently wrote, “Hello….how are you? Would you be interested in getting together sometime for some consensual fun?”

Isn’t it nice that he doesn’t want to rape me?

I was polite but firm in turning him down, wishing him well in his search.

That’s a little different from this recent question (sent as his very first email):

“How proficient are you at riding a nice cock?”

I had never “reported” anyone before, but I reported him.

He no longer has an account. It’s likely that OKC saw that he did that to a bunch of us and cut him off.

The site has a vested interest in getting rid of those guys. The perpetual problem on dating sites is an imbalance in the male:female ratio. Thus, the site doesn’t want guys scaring off the few women there are.

2) A 30 year old guy contacted me, asking what subjects I teach. I looked at the five questions he’d answered. One said, “Are you looking for someone to have children with?” He answered, “yes.” I responded to his message, telling him what subjects I teach, but noting that we aren’t a good match if he’s looking to have kids. I wished him well.

His immediate response was to say, “I dont understand women!” He then went on to tell me that didn’t pay attention to the questions and said I shouldn’t bring up children in a first email. I told him I always address dealbreakers right away.

Him: At least, you should have asked people what they really think about a particular subject without saying farewell in your first messages!​

We went back and forth for a while; eventually, I suggested we end the conversation, since we were just frustrating each other. I was so careful to keep it light and polite, not typing any of the potentially mean things that entered my head.

Me: I think we’re both feeling misunderstood by the other, and I’m sure neither of us wants to upset the other. We should probably cut the conversation short and go enjoy our evenings instead. I’m sure you have something better to do than to have a frustrating conversation with me. 🙂

Him: I just wonder with that level, how you teach something!​

Me: Did you really need to insult me right then?

Him: Lmao, i dont need anything, and i dont insult anybody! I just want to learn something because you gave me that impresssion, i dont have any problem to understand you, i just dont like the way you communicate with me! Your mind seems to work quite slowly and it might be hard to digest what i am saying!​ [. . .] I hope that will really TEACH you that you wont talk about this subject in your first message anymore! ​

3) A guy with a very blank profile (he had no picture, had answered no questions, and had only written a one sentence description of himself) messaged me, asking if I was real.

I said I was real and suggested he fill out his profile if he wants real messages from real women. He then wrote some weird ramblings about how posting anything was a waste of time and how having a partner should be a “right, not a privilege.”

I indicated that I wasn’t interested in continuing our correspondence, noting that I am uninterested in blank profiles and pointing out that he would not have messaged me if the only info next to my name was “looking for that someone” either.

What followed was a succession of stranger and stranger messages. In some, he put words in quotes or otherwise indicated that he was responding to what I said; however, in each case, I never said anything on the subject (see the “as you say” line below for an example). Maybe the voice in his head said it?

A selection:

“I live alone and I have no pets. Women, as you say, often tell me I am incapable of falling in love. I am the odd one out, the one who will never conform…or at least show emotions. But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand what is going on.”

“Your smarts is letting you down. And when it comes to expressing your feelings, you Ph.D. is not helping. Thanks for wishing me well. I actually am doing well. No, you are not angry. You are just disoriented. You are talking to a smart guy, for a change. And that’s a first for you, isn’t it? You are not sure you like it.”

Those last two guys are from the same night. They partially explain the funk I’ve been in all week. Being mansplained to is exhausting, but it’s moreso when guys are mansplaining about how stupid they think you are.

Unwilling to allow the insults to go further, I ended up blocking both of them.

Many people, including my therapist, say I need to stop answering people. The very first impression of ick that I get should lead to the delete button. I’m considering it more and more. I feel like I’m in a trap. If I don’t answer, I’m a bitch. If I answer, guys think I can be bullied into a date, or just bullied.

Still, there have been a few guys who actually said thanks after I said no thanks.

Not sure what to do.

Why Can’t I Find An Easy Going Guy?

A small selection of the beginning of the profiles I’ve seen in the last couple of days:

I’m a very easy going, alway happy, love being outside enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. Love going to new places. Really enjoy going on walks or bike riding. Spending time with family and friends.

I am a calm easy going guy who believes in the golden rule. I treat people with respect. I like to keep busy and unwind when not working.

Hi my name is [x] ,Im easy going fun to be around,I like to cook ,I like to be around positive people ,who care about people. life is to short ,so i try to be a good example to my two boys.WE have a great relationship,I lead by example.Respectful hard working and clean.

You’ll find that I’m fun and easy to be around. I like to stay in synch with the flow of the moment. I love to laugh, adore the excitement of adventure, and take great delight in life’s simplest pleasures ,honest, and caring. I am a passonite and loyal person with a great sense of humor! ( Humor makes the world go around )

I’m easy going, fun and friendly, loving and caring , looking for someone to share my life with , laugh with,laughs that could be so hard to make you cry. lol. Looking for that one time connection. Looking for home.

I am easy going and love to have fun!

I’m easy going, laid back and loyal and am in search of the same. I am looking for a partner. Not a mother or a daughter. Mean girls and liars need not apply.

Easy-going guy looking for connection with the right lady.

I’m an easy going guy, looking to share experiences and fun times. I enjoy good company with a chat, on the couch, or out and about. I’m looking for someone to help when I need, a sense of humor and can challenge me.

I deleted a bunch more of these. Note that, most of the time, this is all the guy says about himself.

I wish I could hold a writing workshop for these profiles; I would give guys the same advice I give my writing students, especially those who are writing personal statements.

Lesson 1: avoid cliches.

Lesson 2: use specific details to stand out from the rest.

(With my pre-med students, for example, I explain that everyone says s/he is passionate about medicine. It means nothing because everyone says it. Also, if they’re passionate, they should be able to show me that. I’m never going to go through a pile of applications and say, “Give me that student who likes science/got good grades/etc.” Here, of course, no guy stands out for being easy going, for liking to laugh, for liking to hang out with friends, for wanting to have fun, etc.)

Lesson 3: proofread!

P.S. I could have done this post with “I work hard, and I play hard,” “laid back,” and a ton of other meaningless nonsense.

Update: Just read another profile, and I discovered one of the causes of this problem. Match.com is modeling bad writing.

The guy literally cut and pasted a sample bio as his paragraph about himself. At least he was upfront about it:

“I borrowed this intro from the provided examples, but it works for me. 🙂

‘I’m a laid back person with a fun sense of humor. I’m a lover of all music and movies. I enjoy nature and can walk around a museum. I’m a sucker for someone who is compassionate and likes to get out and play and can stay in with dinner and a movie.'”

Yesterday, I was messaged by a man in the Bay Area. I was surprised by the message, since OKC said we had a 30% enemies factor (OKC calculates things based not only on my answers, but on the answers I say are acceptable for a partner, and on the importance I give such answers). He and I are “enemies” for a variety of reasons–he had several answers that indicated he’s the jealous type (like answering “yes” to “is jealousy healthy in a relationship?”); he said he’s looking for someone to have children with, that “marriage is a necessity when a couple loves each other,” that creation theory should be taught alongside evolution in science classes, etc.

I explained that we weren’t suited for each other. He tried to say that he didn’t actually believe any of those things I had objections to (he wasn’t the only guy with that defense yesterday–one guy said, “oh, the questions aren’t important”). He kept asking for my number, but I think we all know how I feel about offering up my number to some stranger.

I then explained that he is also too far away (he was offering to meet halfway–in Fairfield). (Yesterday was long distance day. This guy, a guy in Pittsburg, CA, a guy in Reno, NV, and a guy in Clearlake, CA all tried to convince me that distance is not a factor [when I get to decide what factors are in my own damn dating life!].)

We’ll pick up the conversation there:

Me: I admire your persistence, but I’m not interested in dating you. I don’t want a long distance boyfriend. I hope you find what you’re looking for!

Him: Good morning Is not long distance relationships You are the first real woman in here I really like that [sic]

Me: My profile is very clear about what I consider long distance–if I’m not willing to do the drive, then I’m not going to date you. . . . I answered your first message because I’m polite, and I answer everyone who leaves an actual message. In that first message, I indicated that I’m not interested in dating you. You’re making me regret my politeness; please take my no for an answer.

Him: Im open to talk about Politeness I have not negative think Ok let’s met in your town this week ? What day is with for you ? ​[sic]

Me: I have told you in every single message that I’m not interested in dating you. I’ve asked you very politely to take my no. I will not be answering any more messages from you.

Him:

Update: 12 days later, he wrote me again: “Good morning beautiful woman How are you today?”

Not sure if he’s hoping I’ve changed my mind or if he doesn’t remember that’s he’s tried and failed with me already.

A message I got from a complete stranger this morning (his profile consists of 2 pictures, but no descriptions of himself, what he’s looking for, etc):

“Good morning sweetheart iam sam iam Australian indian man from auzziezz land liveing in elk grove iam a pilot for Hawaiian airlines do you care too chat on the phone what’s is your number cell phone number hun here’s my number [XXXXXXX]”

Me: “Hi. I don’t give strangers my phone number. In fact, OKCupid warns people not to, since it’s unsafe to do so right away.”

Sam iam: “Well I will be honest iam a indian Australian man iam a pilot for Hawaiian airlines 549 people trust me so here my [XXX XXXX XXX]

Me: “I’ve been on this site for 10 minutes this morning. Three new people have messaged me so far. They would all like my number. Should I give it to every guy who messages me today?

Sam iam: “Haaaa

“I have gave u my number it’s up too u have nice day”

Me: “I’m just asking you to have some empathy about what it might be like to be a woman on a dating site. Put yourself in my position–you have two pics up–the rest of your profile is basically blank. You tell me your job and ask for my number. If you walked up to me in a bar and only said, ‘hi, I’m a pilot. Give me your number,’ I wouldn’t. So why should I do it here?”

“Can I just send my students to you?”

I don’t know anyone in my profession who hasn’t heard a question like that.

I was surprised to hear it from another teacher, however.

I was trying to make nice with colleagues from across the campus at the request of my friend Ken, who’d organized a meet up in an attempt to get us to know and love each other (Ken talked about “networking,” but that word makes my ass twitch, so I had to pretend that’s not what I was doing).

A man from our nursing school in Sac asked me what I do. Well, among other things, I teach Writing in Health Science.

My colleague thought that was great, and said his nursing students definitely needed instruction like that. I talked about our workshops and our classes. He said his students didn’t have time for those.

“Can I just send my students to you?”

As soon as I made it clear that I wouldn’t be taking on free individualized writing instruction for all of his students, in the same way that he was unlikely to take on free individualized healthcare for all of my students, he wandered off to network with someone else, and my ass was left twitching in irritation.

This kind of thing happens all the time. Students and former students often want my editorial skills–so do some of my writer friends (cause writer friends always help other writer friends)–but at least they have a right to ask. And they know how to ask (usually) because they understand the value of what they’re asking for.

The students I teach, the people I mentor, and the people I love can and do ask. They also understand that sometimes I can’t help them for some reason or another.

Unpaid labor, though, is much on my mind these days, due to some disagreements about pay that the university and I (& my class of department faculty) are having.

It’s also on my mind as a writer. I wish my friend Chris and I had been in better contact a few years ago, when I was doing a movie blog for someone else–when he came to campus recently for an author talk, he was clear that none of us should ever write “for exposure” (thought we’d need to redo academia and its weird expectations). (The Oatmeal wrote a great short comic about “exposure“–see below.)

And now, the expectation of free labor (you like writing! so you must want to make my shitty writing awesome instead of working on your own awesomeness) has entered my dating life.

A couple of months ago, I got bombarded by messages from a young man while I was in Oxford. He’s in his late twenties, and I don’t think we have anything in common. He wasn’t able to convince me that we did–every message was just a different way of saying he really liked me and that he wanted to be my lover.

I declined to give him my phone number, despite his repeated attempts.

He disappeared for a couple of months, but then reappeared, with the same bland, general declarations of devotion, not bothered in the least by the fact that we’d never talked about anything other than the fact that I wasn’t interested and that he was.

“I don’t want to date you.”

“Ok. Can I call u?”

Sigh.

Several weeks later, which happened to be today, I got this message:

“hi how are you? I need help proofreading my thesis paper. Thank you hun :)”

In his defense, he apologized when I explained the various ways in which that message was inappropriate and rude.

So I guess a free writing lesson happened after all.

by The Oatmeal

Dear ___,

Thanks so much for your message! However, (circle all that apply) I don’t want a long distance relationship / I don’t date smokers / I don’t think we’d be a good fit since you want a “god fearing woman,” and I’m an atheist / you’re looking for someone to have children with / I don’t date married men / you indicated in your questions that you would have problems with me being friends with my exes / your profile says you’re looking for casual sex, but I’m looking for a relationship / you seem to be much more conservative than I am. I hope you find what you’re looking for!

Dear ___,

As I said in the previous email, I don’t want a long distance relationship. It’s really flattering that you’re willing to drive a couple of hours to have a date with me, but I don’t want to just see someone on the weekends, and I’m not going to drive a couple of hours for a date. I need a partner who’s closer.

Dear ___,

You live in (some far away country). While I agree that it’s possible to care about people from a long way away, I do not want a long distance relationship, as I said in the last email. And no, I don’t think I’m the perfect woman for you. You’ve only read my profile and a polite message telling you that I’m not interested–you don’t know me. Neither do the other guys who’ve told me that love can’t be conquered by distance this week.

Dear ___,

I’m not against dating a smoker because it’s a vice of some kind. And yes, I drink. However, drinking doesn’t give me asthma attacks. I think I’m within my rights to turn down a date with someone whose activities would hurt my lungs.

Dear ___,

It’s interesting that you say god is the most important thing in your life, but when I say I’m not interested in a date, you offer to be friends with benefits. I am looking for a relationship; it’s probably what Jesus would want me to do.

Dear ___,

Where did I get the idea that you wanted to have children? You said it on your profile. You also answered the question “Are you looking for someone to have children with?” with a “yes.” I tend to believe what people say in their answers, since they took the time to answer the question.

Dear ___,

I’m looking for a relationship–a real one. If we were friends, you would tell me not to settle for less than I want, less than I deserve. I’m no one’s second fiddle–I’m a stradivarius. Since you don’t know me, I’ll just give myself that advice and wish you a good day.

Dear ___,

What leads me to think that you would have a problem with me being friends with my exes are your answers to questions about letting your partner have dinner alone with an ex, letting your partner keep pictures of exes, letting your partner spend time with an ex, etc. You also said you think jealousy is “healthy” in a relationship.

Dear ____,

No, I’m not interested in being in a friends with benefits relationship with you. As I noted previously, I’m looking for a relationship, not casual sex (for which I wouldn’t need to resort to the internet). Also, we’re not friends. You’re a stranger, and I don’t want to have sex with a stranger.

Dear ___,

When I say you seem to be more conservative than I am, I’m referencing your answers to the questions in which you said (circle all that apply) that you don’t believe in dinosaurs / that you listen to conservative talk radio / that you think men should be the head of their households / that you don’t think evolution should be taught in science class / that you think homosexuality is a sin). Those are dealbreakers for me.

Dear___,

I already know what the Bible says about (circle all that apply) the creation story / women being subservient / gay people. I don’t need to date a conservative to better “understand” that point of view. I was raised in the South. I get it. However, I don’t respect it, and I don’t let people touch my pussy if I don’t respect them.

Today, on Thanksgiving, I give thanks that OKCupid allows me to block particularly awful users.

This morning, I got a message from a guy in Sacramento. A quick look at some of his answers indicated severe problems. He thinks gay people are sinful* and that evolution should not be taught in schools.

I wrote him back, saying he’s too conservative for me, and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving.

He started to argue back that I should give him a chance. Thus, I told him that those particular issues were dealbreakers for me. He continued to argue, saying that we can agree to disagree, that his views on gays shouldn’t affect whether we can hang out, that anal sex is wrong because it’s not procreative (and yes, he is a hypocrite who doesn’t have the same problems with oral).

He said that I’m judgmental, which I find hilarious; he can judge gays, but I can’t judge bigots, apparently.

And then he said this:

“I think we would connect better on a sexual level…you might not like my ideal but im sure youd like my dick… Now i mean no disrespect.. We all have needs.. I just think the hostility would be gone if you felt something nice and big in you [sic]”

At least he means no disrespect.

Thanks for the ability to block and a day on which I can have a lot of wine.

*How common is anti-gay bigotry on OKC? Well, on their page of instructions about how to block people and how to report people for abusive behavior, they have to say this: “Please note: we DO allow married, gay, and transgender people on OkCupid, so reporting them won’t get them deleted.”

Two different men this week have messaged me from afar, telling me that they could simply move to Davis. I have to give them points for having actually read my profile, which says I don’t want a long distance relationship. However, I think it would be a good idea to actually date someone for a long time before having them move to Davis for me. This would, of course, necessitate long distance dating, so we’re back to square one.

I have explained to both men that I don’t want to do the long distance dating that might (in a long shot) lead to a move.

One man* just messaged me with this rejoinder:

“Honestly i liked you very much (i mean initial impressions as we just met here). I have work from home option. So if you think we can date and see if we are a match i can move closer to your location. I live alone and it doesn’t matter for me if i live in Davis or San Jose. So location is not an issue for me. Just to make things clear for you, after few dates if you think i am not right for you, i don’t mind or feel bad that i had moved close to your location or so. You are free to take your decision any time. Honestly i like white/cacausian woman very much. I respect all religions and believe all humans are same. Hope you understand and if you like my basic info please let us try to see if we are good for each other or not by dating. You can decide it over an uncondittional time ( any number of years that is good for you). Appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.”

What’s a polite but firm way to say “Please don’t move here”?

**** BREAKING NEWS: While I was writing this post, he messaged me with a response to my assurance that we did not have enough in common to break my “no long distance” rule.

“I like nature and healthy life style. I think you are also of the same type.”

WTF? I actually regret the small amount of time I left the house today (I could have gotten so much more done if I’d stayed inside!). And while I reheated a very health 13 bean soup to serve when people came over to watch Star Wars, I enjoyed it with a bottle of wine. And there was dessert. And lots of buttery bread to go with said soup. The 10 whole minutes of yoga I did this morning probably does not absolve me of these crimes.

I am going to go to bed and both a) stop trying to persuade the unpersuadable about the fact that I do understand both myself and what I want out of dating b) blogging about said unpersuadable person.

*He’s Indian-American. Dedicated readers will know that I’ve mentioned a trend in many messages I receive from Indian-American men: they only post one picture; they don’t write more than a couple of sentences about themselves; they don’t answer the questions the site provides for matching. This man proves the rule.