Sometimes messages (and their writers) are just incomprehensible.

Take the following message:

Him: Am Glad u took your time to read and reply me ,Well i have a few questions running on my mind,… things like ,How long have you been on here, what u do for a living, any kids?, what you looking for here , how long have u been single?.. well thats all i have in mind for now ,, may be as time goes i will get to know more..i hope to hear from you soon

Me: Ummm . . .
The first line of that message is confusing–you’re making it sound like I’ve already messaged you.
Your profile is sending mixed signals too. Your paragraph says you’re only looking for marriage (in all caps!), but your profile says you’re also seeking short term dating and new friends. The main page says you don’t want more kids, but in the questions, you say you’re looking for a woman to have children with.

I’ve been on here for two years, although I take breaks sometimes. I’ve been single for about two years. My profile answers the rest of your questions: I’m a writer and a university teacher with a son in college. Looking for a long term relationship (though I don’t want to get married–one can have partnership and commitment without that).
🙂

I guess he didn’t like that.

He blocked me.

🙂

Last week, I shared the story of a guy from Carmichael who had homophobic answers to questions on OKC. I thought saying “I don’t date homophobes” would end the conversation, especially since he’d said homophobia was a “weakness” of his.

He didn’t go away, though. Here the (annotated) conversation continues:

Him: I am not homephobes. Which question gave u the impression?

At any rate have a wonderful day and take care.

Me: There’s a question about how you would feel if a gay friend hugged you, a question about guys wearing makeup, a question about gay people having children, etc.

Him: Lol, My friend filled out some of the questions while I was away from computer at work. I have no problem with any of those. He has played a prank on me. I think every human being is free to live and create a family anyway he or she wants as long as it does not hurt others. It is a totally private thing for an individual. I believe in equality of men and women and so on.

I am mainly looking for a good solid friend. And be honest with you it is not easy to find someone like you with this level of liberalism, education and so on in this area. Friendship and good intellectual conversation with someone is the main thing for me. But honey you need to give it time to understand each other. By the way there is this learning process meaning we can learn from each other about this things that we might be mistaken.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebioF5rA1H4

What is your number? or whatever else which is trendy these days to do voice. I am seeking only friendship the rest is up to you if u like me more. You set the limits and i will respect them.

And life, friendship is more colorful than some questions and answers. You throw an apple up it makes many various turns before comes back down.

Joke time : This really super pretty but dump actress see Bernard Shaw who was super smart but not good looking. She tells Bernard lets make a kid together so the kid gets her look from me and her IQ from you. Bernard replies I am afraid opposite can happen so kid gets her IQ from you and her look from me !

[Argh. Go away. Every message I’ve sent has been to say “no thanks.” I don’t want to talk or be friends or have you send me poetry or call me honey (when guys say it in sentences designed to change my mind, I feel talked down to). The GBS “joke” is a story in which GBS makes a joke. And, of course, as a GBS scholar, I’ve heard it before.]

Me: Look: I’m not on here for more friends. I’m looking for a partner. When I first said your answers were homophobic, you admitted it–you said it was your weakness.
I feel like you’re just trying to backtrack now.
Nothing about our interaction has made me want to give you my number–I didn’t like the cut and paste; I don’t like the answers to a lot of your questions. Your profile is pretty blank, etc.
I’m not interested.

Him: I meant all good and somehow you keep misunderstanding me. When i said friend I meant I care about you that I even wana keep you as a friend if you don’t feel I am qualified enough for more. See this is the problem with texting the feelings are hidden or even miss represented. Take it easy and enjoy. You have made me tired and I am not interested at all. Take care

By the way thanks for your feedback I am adding to my profile.

[You care about me? What? You don’t know me.]

[You want to keep me as a friend? We’d have to be friends for you to keep me.]

[I keep misunderstanding you? And you find that exhausting? We finally have something in common. My view of this conversation: Me: I’m not interested. You: But get to know me. Me: No, because . . . You: Yeah, but settle for me. Me: No. You: But get to know me; I’m great really. Give me your personal number, like you would for someone you’re actually interested in. That way, I can bother you and make you interested in me. Me: No. You: I care about you, best friend forever.]

Me: Farewell!

On June 5th, some loser from Carmichael with a pretty blank profile (and with questions that indicated we’re 26% enemies) said:
Hi Beautiful ! How are you? 🙂
I didn’t answer.
Yesterday, he tried again:
Hi Beautiful ! How are you? 🙂
Me: I’m really not into generic cut and paste messages, which is part of why I didn’t respond the first time you pasted that greeting.
Looking at your profile, it’s pretty clear we wouldn’t get along–you’re a lot more socially conservative than I am.
I hope you have a great day and that you find the perfect woman for you.
Him: I am a super liberal, progressive person.
You will know that for sure if we talk more.
Me: The answers to many of your questions are homophobic.
Him: You are probably right .
I am very liberal and progressive in everything else. My only weakness is what you said. I am impressed by your IQ and Judgment. But honey nothing is perfect.
Later:
r u transextual?
Me: No. I’m cisgendered and straight. But I don’t date homophobes.

Some thoughts:

Nothing is perfect?

I know that nothing is perfect–every man I’ve ever loved has been imperfect, as am I.

But this isn’t something to overlook–like when a guy likes sports or something. Homophobia disgusts me.

And wtf with the “transextual” question? Does this “super liberal” guy really think that I’d have to be trans to have his homophobia matter to me?

Way to show empathy, which is precisely the issue in the first place.

I’m not on OKCupid to make friends.

I hate sounding like a reality tv personality–why are guys putting me in this position?

Have I become friends with a couple of guys that I met through OKC? Yes–some of them didn’t work out romantically, but I thought they might, which is why I talked with them and hung out with them in the first place.

They’re probably reading this now.

Hi, guys!

I’m friends with two people whom I never went out on a date with–distance, etc. was a factor. But I was interested in them as people–they had compelling profiles and so I answered when they messaged me.

Hi, guys!

And then there’s most guys. The ones with the boring profiles. The ones who are conservative Christians. The ones with no profiles. Etc. Etc. Etc.

To paraphrase:

Him: Hi.

Me: Not interested.

Him: Sure you are.

Me: So not.

Him: Okay, then let’s be friends.

Me: No.

And that makes me feel like an asshole.

But I don’t.

I’m not lonely. I’m not bored.

My social life is so full, so vibrant. I have an amazing social network.

Sometimes people express sympathy for me because I’m far from my family. And I’m like “what?” because my friends here in Cali are my family. I’m the aunt to so many kids. The emergency contact for them and their parents. And they’re that to me.

And here’s the sad thing–I don’t get to spend enough time with them. They’re busy. I’m insanely busy. There are people I love who work in the same building with me. I haven’t laid eyes on them in months. And we want to see each other.

So, random guy, if I’ll I’ve ever said is no to you, please don’t ask me to be friends. I’m not making time to have coffee with you in Folsom or wherever to start a friendship.

And yes, maybe you’re secretly awesome, and I’m missing out.

But probably not.

In fact, it’s likely that you don’t want to be friends with me, either.

You’re hoping that I’ll invest all this time in being friends with you. I’ll be swept up in desire and at least let you fuck me. Or I’ll fall in love with you and change my mind about not wanting kids, or not wanting to date smokers, or not wanting to date members of the alt-right, or not wanting to date homophobes, or not wanting to date just flat out boring people who won’t even write a sentence about themselves in an ad they’ve created to lure me in.

A couple of months ago, a guy totally gave the “friends” trick away. He lived far away–another country far. I said no thank you. He said let’s be friends. I said no thank you. He said that love doesn’t know distances and he could tell I was the woman for him, blah, blah, blah. So that friend thing was bullshit–a gambit–a trick.

A conservative Christian was flummoxed the other day when I said I wasn’t interested in being friends with him: “In fact it’s the first time in my life that somebody refuses to treat me in that categorical way.” [I think he meant, it’s the first time someone has refused him based on his beliefs.]

In my last post, I mentioned that I woke up to a few messages. Here’s how one of those conversations went, with annotations.

A guy with a shirtless bathroom selfie messages me. His profile is blank.

Him: Are you open to something casual?

I answer because my no should be the end of it.

Me: I wouldn’t need OKC to find something casual. 🙂
I’m looking for someone to date.

Him: Well thats what it would be. Its just that i live in porterville, ca and i travel to stocktob about 2 times a month. So im looking for someone to see “casually”(date). While im there in town.

See how he says “[that’s] what it would be”? As if I expressed any interest at all in him? As if he has something to negotiate here?

Me: I understand that, but I’m not interested.
Your profile is blank; you’ve only answered 5 questions, but we’re 71% enemies.
Why should I give up on what I want in a relationship for someone I know almost nothing about and who I’m probably not compatible with anyway?

Him: Well thats why we get to know each other.

A friendship could always come out of it.

Did I say, “gee, you’re so awesome. Even though I’ve shown no outward interest, I really would like to get to know you. Blank profiles are so mysterious. I long to know about the deep soul that’s surely lingering underneath your abs”?

Me: If you read my profile, you know I don’t like to answer people who have blank profiles and who haven’t answered questions.
I have to know a little bit about someone to be interested enough to want to get to know them. All I know about you is that you can’t give me what I’m looking for.
And I’m not on here for friends–I have a very vibrant social network. I’m never lonely or without something to do.
I want a partner to share my life with–that can’t be you, obviously.

My first response to another recent message was, I thought, perfectly clear: Hi; thanks for your message. The answers to your questions make it pretty clear that you’re wanting the marriage/kids package–we wouldn’t be a good fit. 🙁 

Him: I’m looking to make new friends. Cause you never know the out come.  

Yes, I do. The outcome is that you, like SO many guys before, think I’ll change my mind about having kids with you.

I didn’t even answer another guy after he suggested friendship, mostly because I’m tired of feeling like an asshole by saying I’m not interested in friendship.

He is a smoker, a sexual anarchist (no rules. about anything. ever.), and a guy who says he’s not smiling in his pictures because he has no teeth.

Sigh.

New in my inbox this morning:

Guy 1: Are you open to something casual?

Guy 2: That’s a such good luck meeting you

I have been traveling for the last 1 year hitchhiking and CouchSurfing all the way from Brasil to here And now that I saw your profile I’ve thought: why don’t ask for a couch to sleep?

Do you know couchsurfing? That app who connect friends that haven’t met yet. The traveler arrive, cook a Brazilian dinner together, drink a wine, make a new friend and go to sleep in separated beds

How does it sounds to you? To much weird?

Or we can have a normal date as well… no problem to me ;)​

This* is why it’s not a good idea to answer everybody.

And it’s the end of a very short lived experiment, in which I called guys on it when I didn’t think they’d read my profile, which indicated that I will only really answer when someone has a filled out profile, has answered questions, says more than hi, etc.

What happens below is sad.

A guy messaged me. His profile was mostly blank, but did indicate that he was a smoker who wanted kids. He had only answered a couple of questions, one of which said “jealousy is healthy in a relationship.” Another indicated that his Christian faith was important to him.

Him: Hi nice meeting you

Me: I don’t think you read my profile. 🙁

Him: A writer university teacher [these are basically the first three words of my profile]

Anyway I like your profile

I we like to no little more about you if you don’t mind

Me: It just didn’t seem like you read it cause I talked about what made me likely to answer and what I was looking for.
I don’t date smokers, and I’m not having more kids, so we seem incompatible.

Him: If because of you I we stop smoking I like the food you like can you just be honest and be real to me babe..

Me: I am being honest.

I’ve had guys say they’d quit for me before. It’s never once happened.
And I am not having more children.
And your profile is mostly blank.
And I’m an atheist while god is extremely important to you.
And I don’t think jealousy is healthy in a relationship.
I’m not seeing compatibility here.

Him: Babe I we never quit Whit you I promise I we be real and honest with you I’m different form the other guys

Babe do you have hangout or kik so we can talk better..

Me: I don’t have those apps, and I’m not interested in talking to you more. Your profile information doesn’t give much information, but the little information it does give me signals that we’re not compatible.

Him: Babe you free to ask anything you Wanna no about me

I’m new here that why but anything else you ask I we answer you

Me: It seems like we’re having a basic communication problem here.
You are interested in me because of my pictures and what I wrote on my profile; thus, you want to know more about me.
I’m NOT interested in you because you basically have a blank profile.
Go back and read my profile down at the bottom again about what I’m looking for:
“I’m only likely to answer if you’ve answered plenty of OKC’s questions (I don’t want to have to ask you if you’re jealous, if you’re homophobic, if you don’t believe in dinosaurs, etc. when OKC can ask you for me), if you have a picture, if you’ve said more than just “hi”/”good morning”/etc. in your message, and if you’ve filled out your profile with more than “ask me” or the equivalent.”

Him: Babe am new in OKC so I don’t no more about it I we be very happy if you can put me true in this app a friend told me about it that he meet is future wife here and the wife is honest humble trust and she have respect that why am here too for real trust humble women that we can understand each other…

Me: And I hope you find the right person for you, but I don’t think I’m it.
You need to find someone you have things in common with.
Or at least someone who doesn’t mind blank profiles.

Him: Since I go true your profile am very happy you are God sent to me

My dear what Can do about my profile that’s blank I do anything to make me be real and honest with you

Me: My profile says this: “You should message me if you are liberal (especially socially), smart, sexy, secure in yourself, funny, appreciative of smart and funny women, and a nonsmoker.”
I don’t think you’re what I’m looking for.

Him: Babe if that’s all what you want am interesting with it and I love movies too…

Me: You are not a nonsmoker.
You have not indicated that you are smart, funny, sexy, or liberal.
I don’t think you’re secure in yourself based on this conversation and on the fact that you think jealousy is healthy in a relationship.
It’s also a turn-off to say “God sent you to me” to an atheist.

Him: Sweetheart all this is your favorite thing and I do more then you smart, funny, sexy,nonsmoker, I told you I don’t no. more about OKC I don’t no what jealousy mean in relationship my dear if you don’t like someone jealous in relationships I accept with you dear….

I what you to come into my life and make it a wonderful world to live in…

My dear like am having special feelings for you right now

Me: You don’t know anything about me.
I think you like my pictures.

Him: My love you we tell me more better about yourself

But I love everything about you I love all your pictures, I love your profile I we like to be honest with you so I we be proud of you dear…

So my princess, what’s your name and I we like to see more of your love pictures and to share my own with you…

Me: I’m going to end this conversation.
I have politely told you that I’m not interested–SEVERAL times.
Nothing you have said in these messages has sparked my interest.
The last few messages–about special feelings, about god sending me to you, and calling me your love–have creeped me out.
I do really hope that you find the right person for you.
Here’s some advice about finding that person:
1. answer more questions on OKC. Most women won’t answer unless you’ve answered at least 50.
2. put some more information in your profile–be specific. Lots of guys say they’re looking for honesty. It doesn’t make you sound interesting or unique if you just give a general sentence or two.
3. When you send a message, say something specific–ask about something a woman has said she’s interested in on her profile, for example.
4. Don’t start sounding like you’re obsessed, especially if a woman says she’s not interested.
Best of luck to you in your search.

[And then I blocked him.]

*This is from quite a while ago.

Twice now, I’ve gotten messages inspiring deja vu.

Because I had gotten those exact messages, from those exact guys before. Both guys have gone silent when I’ve pointed it out.

I’m disappointed to be subject to cutting and pasting, and I understand that a message here or there is forgettable in and of itself.

But still.

Fuck dating.

Guy 3 (with a selfie in a wife beater pic) in the “gonna call you on not reading” challenge was kind enough to explain his philosophy.

Him: Hi 

Me: I don’t think you actually read my profile.
🙁 

Him: Im sorry for not reading your profile, its just that i like to know the person by conversation… it makes the person more exciting nd mysterious  

Reading kills the excitement of wanting to know someone deep down inside

Not sure if you understand

What drew me to you was your smile… its so honest and sincere

Me: We seem to be opposites. If someone has a blank profile, I have NO interest in them. If they can’t say anything interesting, then I assume they’re not interesting.
Knowing a little something interesting about the person is what makes me want to get to know them further. 

Him: ,Ok ok… that’s fair . I see dont want to waste your time in someone who does not connect to you… but have you heard of the saying “oppsites attract”… im an open book you can ask me anything… if not you can close this book of mystery and move on… it up to you if you want to get to know me 

Me: All the guys with mostly blank profiles make that same offer–that I can ask them anything.
But I’m on OKC (instead of Tinder, etc.) because I like the questions feature and the ability to put a couple of sentences up there instead of a couple of words.
You see blankness and see a mystery underneath. I see blankness and just see blankness. 

Today, I made my first meme. I have a short entry from my experiment in calling guys on not reading my profile that inspired it.

“toomacho”: Hi.

Me: I don’t think you read my profile before writing. 🙁

toomacho: Why?

toomacho: I’m too lazy for that