When I first started dating after my long-term partnership ended, I found myself on a first date that seemed promising. Then, at the end, he let me know he was not at all interested in a second date. I was mortified. What clues had I missed? How had I misread it? The next morning, I actually sent an apology email, saying if I hadn’t been so rusty, I wouldn’t have ordered the second drink and wouldn’t have let him pay.
Cause I have manners.
A couple of weeks ago, after a few good dates, a guy wrote me to call the next one off. He said I was amazing but that he just didn’t feel enough of a connection to think it could work long-term. He was right, but of course it hurt my feelings. I wrote him back, saying only that I understood.
Cause I have manners.
Earlier this week, a guy finally stopped bothering me for a date, but did so rudely. I was nice enough to answer him and politely let him know I wasn’t interested–three times. He had to pull a “sour grapes” line: “You’re boring. bye.”
I admit it–I was being boring. I don’t strive to be engaging when I’m saying I won’t engage with someone.
And then I thought about all the guys who I think are boring.
Speaking of, I got a request from a guy with a boring profile and boring messages a little while ago. We had actually messaged before, sometime last year, but I didn’t remember.
He begged and begged for a date, and I relented. I tried to like him on the date–I really did. He was handsome. And he sounded like a good person, a sincere one.
But I somehow had to look at 17 pictures of tractors in various stages of being rebuilt.
And there were two things he said that stood out to me, and not in a good way. I mentioned the failed politician, Sarah Palin. He said that he didn’t know who she was, but that he was surprised all women weren’t supporting her, as she was a woman.
Ummmm.
He wanted another date. I almost let myself get talked into it (c’mon, give the nice farmer a chance!)–but then I thought about my resolutions, about how I didn’t get a little stomach flip when he messaged, about how I saw the prospect of lunch as a chore to do rather than anything I was excited about.
So I sent him a lovely message–one that praised his looks and generous nature, one that told him he deserved someone as excited about him as he was about them.
He told me I couldn’t possibly know if there was a spark since I hadn’t gotten to know him.
Then, with no regard for the irony of admitting we didn’t know each other, he diagnosed me, claiming that I just wanted to date “weak men” so I “can dominant [sic] them.” He said I didn’t “like real men.”
I wanted to insult him back–to tell him how boring he was, how politically uninformed he was, how sexist he sounded, how I’d been mistaken in thinking him nice.
But I didn’t.
Cause I have manners.
I wish more guys did.
We all get rejected.
How we handle it is perhaps a better insight into us than our profiles and our first date chatter.
Guys, mansplaining to me about how much I suck doesn’t make me reconsider my decision not to go on that date. It makes me reconsider ever talking to you in the first place.
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