Am considering using bumble to find a playmate or five whilst abroad. They have questions, with sample answers (pictured), for me to answer.

I would, in fact, love to be a part of The Handmaid’s Tale, but it sounds weird to say so on a dating app.

I’m not dating right now. It’s been less than a month since I broke up with my last guy. In the time since, there’s been Christmas, a conference, the start of a quarter, a crisis for one of my projects, lung problems, a stolen purse, etc.

I’m exhausted; the idea of putting a profile back up makes me want to hobble to my bed and stay there.

(Maybe if I stay there long enough, I’ll fall asleep for 100 years. If fairy tales are to be believed, the stranger who comes into my bedroom and starts touching me is a winner. Plus, they say you find your mate when you’re not looking. Not being conscious = not looking.)

So imagine my annoyance when a guy on FB started putting the moves on me, like it was a dating site (I had confirmed his friend request because, even though I didn’t recognize him, I thought I might have met him at a conference or something).

I told him I don’t chat with random people on FB. He said he thought FB was for making friends. I said some people might use it that way, but that I didn’t–that I use it to keep in contact with friends, family, and fans.

He then started talking about my pictures on FB and complimented me in what I consider a cheesy way (no, I’m obviously not the first woman made after Eve).

The next morning, he tried again. I reminded him that I don’t chat on FB.

He said he wanted to get to know me and then asked about the weather.

Then he said I didn’t need to be rude, after I told him I was working and didn’t have time to chat, especially about the weather.

I explained that I was merely being clear, and that I was frustrated that he continued to try to chat with me.

Then many, many messages came.

He is godly, you see.

A widower.

A lonely widower.

His spirit tells him I have a good heart.

He doesn’t understand why “all [I] give [him] is rejection.”

Rejection, of course, is all one should expect when approaching strangers, no matter what one hopes.

Your boyfriend says he wants to talk to you about his fears concerning your relationship.

It’s Christmas Eve.

Your fears flood into your brain–you didn’t now there was a crack in the dam, because you were ignoring the dam itself.

You fear that, even though he fits you in every way, you’re not happy.

You should be–he’s wonderful, your friends like him. There are no big problems. The small ones are too small to bother with.

So why do you not melt into his hug when he embraces you on the way to the kitchen? Or reach out to take his hand at the theatre?

I’m so busy, you’ve told yourself. So stressed.

And now he has worries.

They’re about something else–something that might come down the road–something he’s right to be worried about.

But in this moment, you aren’t worried about the problem down the road ending things.

You’re worried about this moment, when all of a sudden, you can’t see the road anymore.

You are the asshole who breaks up with her boyfriend a few minutes before Christmas.

A few days ago, I had lunch with an old friend. She admitted she was worried about bumping into her ex, who presumably still lives in Davis.

“I’ve been rehearsing in my head what I’d say to him,” she confessed.

“I do that all the time,” I admitted.

And I do. I rehearse arguments in my head rather chronically. I think it’s a mixture of being a worrier/PTSD sufferer and a conflict avoider. My brain is convinced that if it worries and plans enough, it can solve things and avoid conflict and the things that lead to PTSD.

It can’t, of course–and my head spinning excessively in circles makes my body sick, but my brain won’t listen to me when I tell it to stop. 

So when I happen to think of exes (I see something one gave to me, hear a song that reminds me of them, listen to a tale of woe that sounds familiar), my head starts rehearsing what I would say to them.

It’s not every ex–mostly the recent ones and the ones I might have unfinished business with, emotionally. My brain knows that I didn’t get to have my say.

“You were rude to my friends,” it says.

“Would it have killed you to come to my place sometimes?”

“Dating you was the worst mistake I ever made.”

And that’s it, really.

It all has way less to do with these men than it has to do with me.

My anger, my prepared speeches–they’re a form of projection.

It’s me I’m actually mad at.

Why didn’t I stand up for myself?

Why did I think I didn’t deserve better?

Why did I let you treat me this way?

Until I can answer, I guess my brain will keep scripting.

I have just discovered that I am a petty person.

You might remember that I’ve had to block a couple of guys on Plenty of Fish recently. The two most notable blockees are an alt-right racist and a Republican who didn’t actually want to date me (just to play) and who kept saying I shouldn’t want to be with non-Republicans since they’re all guys with man buns who don’t know how to fix cars.

I’m not on POF or OKC anymore, but there’s a tiny part of me that wants to log back in and unblock these guys just to rub it in their faces that I’m in a happy relationship with a culturally Jewish non-guybunned non-conservative who has already done all kinds of fixes around here, including some plumbing.

That’s petty, right?

🙂

His name is Josh.

This morning, I was alerted that someone had sent me a message on Plenty of Fish, but the message is not in my inbox.

There are two reasons this might be–the person sent the message and then deleted his profile (or the site deleted it).

Or–and this is more likely–the person sent the message and then blocked me so I couldn’t respond (and the person is too stupid to get that blocking me means I can’t see the message).

The person’s handle: Gods1fan.

Gee, I wonder what he might want to say to me, while also making sure I can’t respond. . .

There are generally four kinds of non-progressives who see my profile, which clearly states that the man I want “will share my basic values, so he will be liberal/progressive (conservatives, libertarians, and anarchists need not apply).”

First, there are the men who can read and leave me alone. They may be thankful I warned them; they may hate me for being a “libtard.” I have no idea, and for that, I’m grateful.

Second, there are the men who message me to tell me I’m being close-minded. They think I’m attractive, so they think I should put politics aside to let them enjoy me.

They say things like this:

The problem with liberals is they believe that we conservatives are all alike.

I point out this thing called irony.

Opposites attract.

I say, No one who would vote against equality, affordable education, healthcare, or reproductive rights will be able to share my bed.

I don’t care about what gay people do or what you do with your body.

I then have to explain that I’m looking for someone who does care about what gay people are allowed to do and who does care what I can do with my body, instead of voting against us.

This is where guy type 2 usually gives up.

Then, there is the third type, who refuses to go down without an insult.

Last week, I thought a guy was type 2, but he just kept making those ridiculous claims: liberals think all conservatives are alike, liberals want to ban guns, liberals don’t think people should have to work for anything.

Then why did he want to date me, I asked.

Oh I don’t think we could have a relationship. But you’re cute and I thought we could have some fun.

I reminded him that I was looking for long-term.

Then he said I was just looking for a weak man to boss around, that I was afraid of a real man.

(He had already said he pictured all liberal men as having manbuns and being unable to change a flat tire.)

I told him real men weren’t badgering, whiny, mansplainers and blocked him.

And then there’s the fourth type, who thinks that he’s the exception to my rule (he thinks he’s a “centrist”).

Recent example:

Him: Hi there, so I did read your profile as requested. 
I’m fairly sure at least politically We are gonna be like minded. [story about some Fox news watching woman who came on to him. I shared a story in kind.]

I’ve always been pretty open minded politically, socially very liberal and more middle of the road fiscally but I just cannot figure out why anyone would support this guy. Politics aside he’s just a really horrible person. He’s a textbook bully. Ugh 
Resist resist resist. Lol

Me: I used to date socially liberal/fiscal conservative guys, but I can’t do it anymore if they vote Republican. If a guy willing to throw voting rights, gays, reproductive rights, the environment, science, education, etc. under the bus for his wallet, then I can’t be with him.

He never answered me, so I guess he usually votes Republican.

What is it that makes these Republican voters think they get to count as liberals/progressives? Because when they vote to fuck the rest of us over, they’re only being selfish, instead of overtly racist/sexist/homophobic/nationalist?

Yesterday, I got a message from a Canadian living in San Francisco on Plenty of Fish. He quoted a sentence from my profile and said that we wanted the same things.

When I went to his profile, I saw my sentence.

He confirmed that he stole it.

A message or so later, he asked me what I thought about something he read on the internet that day, which claims that black people are stupid and that that’s why Jewish people want gentiles to mate with them–so that Jews can make gentiles stupid.

Me: I think that’s racist bullshit.

Him: Yes, it’s racist. But why is it bullshit?

He doesn’t mind, in other words, that it’s racist. He knows it is and that he is, but thinks that’s okay.

He said I must not be aware of the Jewish plan to create a dumb slave race through generations of interbreeding.

I blocked him.

And thanked the universe that no one was conspiring to make me date guys like that–talk about IQs going down.

My profile literally says: The guy I want: smart, funny, secure in himself, sexy, nonsmoker, pro-science, pro-equality, supports reproductive rights, very close geographically. He will share my basic values, so he will be liberal/progressive (conservatives, libertarians, and anarchists need not apply).

How dumb do you have to be to think neo-Nazi is what I’m looking for?

I had to log off for most of the day and vigorously shower.

I also now have to live knowing that a sentence I wrote is on a white supremacist’s dating profile.

This is the one time when not being cited works in my favor.

 

I just don’t even know what to say about this one. Here’s the entire conversation:

Him: Very nice!
Love your hair and that lovely smile too!
Care to chat?

Me: Hi, Sean.
I’m about to head out to a physical therapy appointment (for TMJ).
You are very cute, but Napa is pretty far away to try to have a relationship. I only manage to get out there once or twice a year.

Him: I am moving to sac.:)
text me…[redacted]

Me: When are you moving?

Him: end of the year 

Text me [redacted] let’s meet tonight

Me: I don’t agree to meet people without knowing something about them–there have to be a few messages with some content first.
And I’m on my computer more than my phone (I’m working), so texting wouldn’t make anything go faster. What are the things we have in common?

Him: I just want to get together and have some fun is hard as it is this online dating thing so if you’re interested text me and let’s meet

Me: If we met at a bar, you’d have to talk to me for a few minutes to get my number and a date. Why is that so odd to want here?

Him: I’m not here to negotiate why how where and when I just want to meet women and have fun…

Me: Ok–I think we are on here for different reasons then–or at least with different dating styles. I wish you luck in your search. I hope you find a beautiful and spontaneous woman! Have a great rest of your day!

Him: K

[Ten minutes later.]

Him: Do you have any knowledge with electric cars and hybrid

Me: Just that they exist.

Him: I’m sure you’re aware of their basic efficiency lost in every one of their component… an average of 10% or so

Me: No–I’m not into cars, so I don’t know much about any make/model.

Him: And maybe I could pick your head over it

I’m all about the efficiency and need second brain

Me: I don’t like or care about cars, though. So I’m not interested in talking about them.

I’m still not certain what went on here. Is he on the spectrum, or did he think I would find an electric car conversation alluring enough to agree to a date? Or both?