“I think you should give yourself the opportunity to learn from me.”

Men: This is NOT how you talk yourself into a second date.

Let me femsplain:

***

One of the most surprising things about online dating this year has been the trend of men who want to mansplain things to me. (Mansplaining, for those who don’t know, is a term invented by Rebecca Solnit in her now famous essay, “Men Explain Things to Me.” It refers to the common practice of some men who seek to enlighten women about whatever subject comes up–even when the woman has superior credentials in the subject area.

I certainly don’t think I have superior credentials in dating, but I would argue that I understand myself and what I want pretty well. That’s why I was so surprised to find men mansplaining as a way to court me.

For example, over the summer, a poly guy messaged me. I don’t have problems with being poly in theory. In fact, I went on a couple of dates with a couple of poly guys over the summer. One of the things I found most daunting was the time commitment. I work between 60-80 hours per week and have two nights a week reserved for specific groups of friends. If I factor in time with other friends and my fairly frequent play-going, I don’t have time to date more than one person. I explained this.

His response was 761 words, mansplaining that I need to “break [my] routine” to find a guy. He also said I should not go looking for “Mr. Right”: “Mr. Right does not appear to be, since you probably would have found him by now. The other option of getting to know someone new and build trust in such a relationship, would detract from the time spent looking for Mr. Right, but might also introduce you to new experiences . . . [sic].” In other words, it would behoove me to go poly and abandon the lifestyle I currently enjoy.

I wasn’t complaining about being busy. For the most part, and in most ways, I really love my life. I would just like to fit a boyfriend into it, for the further support, the further companionship, the sex, and the oxytocin.

In this guy’s defense, he started his missive with a caveat: “The last thing you probably want to hear is advice from someone you don’t know and knows essentially nothing about you, but . . .”

Most mansplainers aren’t that self aware.

I went out on a date with one guy. I was willing to give him a second date, and I warned him when I gave him my number after the first date that I don’t like to be texting all damn day.

He then texted me all damn day, mostly about how he was being good and not doing so (which was doubly annoying).

I didn’t answer every message (I don’t always–especially if the message seems like a closing point to a conversation, as opposed to something that needs an answer). One day, after what I read as a conversation ending message from him, he didn’t message back. I didn’t really think about it–I was gearing up to go to England, trying to get a quarter finished, and suffering from a ridiculous injury involving skin necrosis.

A couple of weeks later, I got a message from him, shaming me for doing the fade-away. He lectured me about how I treat people. What was interesting, from my point of view, was the fact that he assumed this is how I respond to “people”–not him, but people. I will freely admit that I don’t always handle breakups or the “no, we can’t have a second date” conversation perfectly, but I don’t just stop answering people. My perception of this situation was different from his. We talked about something one day (he was offering to text me FSU football updates and I was saying that I DETEST football and thus would not appreciate those texts), and then neither of us texted the next day. Or the next.

Still, he wanted me to know that I needed to behave differently and argued that he was just trying to help me out.

Amazingly, I resisted trying to help him about, though he had a lot to learn about not annoying the shit out of people.

However, the worst case of mansplaining was the guy I quoted above.

In the Spring, I agreed to go out on a date. It was one of my first after the breakup. The guy did a lot to turn me off even before he showed up. He wasn’t working because he was on disability, which of course isn’t an issue in and of itself, but at the time, I was taking care of my disabled aunt–I had been for about a year–and I had developed an aversion to adding more of that kind of stress to my life. Strike one.

I got to the restaurant quite a long time before he did–my own physical therapy went a lot shorter than I thought it would–and ordered a glass of wine. He then messaged me, asking me to change the location of the meet closer to his house, since he’d just gotten out of the shower and hadn’t yet looked up when the buses ran. He doesn’t work, and I was his only commitment that day, but he was going to be late? Strike two.

He then appeared, looking not very like his picture. Strike three. We had an okay conversation; I went home, started to feel a little nauseated, and spent the rest of the day vomiting because of my abdominal migraine or whatever the hell is wrong with me.

It also occurred to me that I wasn’t really ready to date. I took myself off OKC to give myself more time.

He asked me for another date. I declined, citing my need for a longer break before entering the dating world

He then texted me for HOURS. He thought I shouldn’t be shallow–he assumed his looks were my only issue. He told me that I would find him more attractive if I got to know him. He said I needed to be more “open” to the universe (which seemed to mean him) and said he had a lot to teach me, if I would only let myself be taught.

I hadn’t needed another reason to say no, but that kind of pretentious bullshit would have been enough just on its own.

A couple of months later, I went back on OKC. That same day, he texted me again, wondering if I would like to date or be friends. I said no. He then mansplained all the same shit again, about the things I could learn, about how I shouldn’t be closed off, etc.

A few more months went by and he texted AGAIN, wanting to be friends.

Me: I’m not inclined.

Him: Wow.

I didn’t see why he was surprised. We had been on one date, months and months before. I had rejected more contact with him TWICE.

He started mansplaining. I didn’t ‘splain things back to him about stalking or not taking hints, but I did mention that his lectures about what I could learn from him were grating and thus furthering my resolve to stay away.

Him: Okay, fine. I’m tired of beating my head against your stubborn wall.

Trying to get the last word with someone like that just prolongs the conversation, so I let it go.

But this is what I wanted to say:

“I put a wall up against guys like you a long time ago. There’s a barbed-wire fence, a no trespassing notice, and a little placard that says, ‘Don’t even think about fucking here.’ You banged your head against the wall, despite all warnings. Then you did it again. Then you did it again. The wall is only sightly annoyed. You have a bloody head. What in the world do you think I could learn from a man who hasn’t learned to take a god-damned hint? I hope this has been a lesson to you.”

This poster is available on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/248542105/no-mansplaining-zone-feminist-poster

Entry 10 (wherein I have dark fantasies):

Several times a week, a guy forgets (or shows he hasn’t read) the part of my profile in which I explain how to communicate with me:

“I answer basically every message I get, as long as it’s a real message–not just a ‘hi’ or ‘good morning.’ However, this site isn’t connected to my phone. I don’t tend to hang out to ‘chat’; instead, I come online a few times a day to read and answer messages. So tell me something about yourself or ask me a question or tell me a dating horror story–I love those. If we find we have things to talk about, we’ll set up a meet. (If you’re the type of guy who needs to text a girl every three minutes and have her text you back right away, I’m probably not the girl for you.)”

As you all know, I’m one of the busiest people ever and I need to focus throughout the day. Thus, I don’t want to be interrupted all the time. As those of you who have my phone number know, I often don’t hear my phone, forget that I’ve turned it off, etc., because I’m not on it all the time–I’m working or hanging out with you, my lovely friends.

Yet the following interaction happens all the time. I’ll check my messages in the morning. Guys can set up the site to alert them when someone they “like” is online, allowing them to jump into chat mode (let’s ignore the stalkeriness of that for now). Usually, though, by the time they get their “Hi wht r u up 2 2day” out, I’m off the site again.

Hours later, when I check messages again, I see the sad attempt at chatting.

Me: Hi. Thanks for the message. As noted on my profile, I don’t really chat on this site. I’m happy to answer a real message, though, when I check in periodically.

The guy: OK. What’s ur number? We can txt.

I then refrain from hitting my own head against my desk until the internal pain stops; I explain that giving my phone number to every stranger on a dating site who thinks I’m cute would be a) dangerous b) even MORE time consuming and distracting and annoying than the site chatting I’m refusing to do, since the whole point is that I don’t want to exchange “whats up?” with strangers instead of being present when I’m working/hanging out with friends/eating/binge watching/sitting in a theatre; then I fantasize about hitting the guy’s head against the enormous, hard mental wall blocking any form of empathy for it’s like to be a woman on a dating site until the wall comes crumbling down and he cries a little.

One day, when I was looking up some stuff about dating sites (because you all keep telling me you’re loving my misery and that I should keep writing about it), I came across a webpage that ranked sites. Zoosk was rated #1, so I created an account.

It seems I need to demand to see criteria before I let someone else pick a #1.

Zoosk prides itself on not asking you to fill out all the info that other sites do–they’re looking at you, OKCupid.

1. This is not advantageous for me. I’m treated to the following information on a profile–where a guy is, maybe a pic, his age, maybe a handle, whether he smokes or not, his educational status, breeding status, and a couple of other details.

There is a space to write more, but it seems that almost no one does. (I do, of course.)

Zoosk is also trying to be like Tinder–its Tinder feature is called carousel.

When you “play” the carousel (yes, the metaphor breaks down here), you’re shown a picture, told how old the person is, and the total number of pictures the person has uploaded. You are then asked to say whether you’d like to meet this person or not.

Nothing on where this person is, whether he smokes, whether he’s actually married . . .

You can play this game for free, but to send a message or receive a message, you have to be a paying member.

2. They also allow you to pay more to tell you if someone has read your message or to send these absolutely inane “gifts”–they want you to pay to send a picture of a cartoon rose to someone. The site tells you you’ll stand out this way. Yes–as a sucker.

3. The site also encourages chatting over messaging, encouraging you to “chat now.” If you like someone, it sends a “chat” request to that person. It also knows that most guys won’t write a message, so it has not only a “wink” option, but prompted me to create an “automatic” wink response–in other words, since a wink is stupid yet frequent, it creates a way for us to auto answer.

Guys who “wink” at me get a thank you message that says I’d like an actual message–I prompt them to tell me about where they’d most like to go on vacation. Most guys only ever send the wink.

And most guys suck at both chatting and messaging.

An example of some poor guy I flummoxed with my strange desire for communication. He sent me a couple of “how was your day” messages. Yawn, but I’m polite, so I would answer “busy” or some such information. He then asked me out.

Me: I like to know that I have something in common with someone before I agree to a date. You haven’t really said much about yourself.

[A full week passes.]

Him: Well how will you know unless you meet them ?

Me: Most guys write me messages–they tell me a little bit about themselves and their interests, and they ask me a couple of questions.

[5 days pass]:

Him: Well I’m 52 father of 5 young adults and grandfather of 7 grandchildren. I’ve been in the construction industry for 32 yrs now. I like kayaking, camping, BBQ’ING, frizz bee golf, day trips, listening to live music, or just relaxing at home.

Why couldn’t he have put that on his profile?

4. On this site, I have the same info up as on my OKCupid profile (well, almost; see below). And guys are paying to be on here; however, I get more guys who are smokers, more guys who have only graduated from high school, more guys who do not speak English. I’m not talking about bad grammar; I’m talking about guys who write to me and say, “Hello beautiful ablas español??

Me: I took Spanish in high school–enough to want to put the “H” on “Hablas.”

There’s also the problem of distance. I don’t play the carousel, but I will look at the profiles of people who “like” me there. If I “like” them back based on their pic, I can then enjoy finding out they live in Toronto.

5. If you’re not playing the carousel, and doing a more directed search, Zoosk’s system likes to reset to have you look at people hundreds of miles away.

I think it’s their way of fooling you into thinking you have good options on this site.

6. They have bots on here–fake people. I think the way to tell is that the bots have attractive pictures–taken by someone who knows what they’re doing, as opposed to the bathroom selfie and driving selfie so popular now.

7. I’ve read some articles claiming that Zoosk keeps your pic and info and will make you into a bot after you leave their stupid site. (I’m about to take all my stuff down.)

8. I’ve also seen Zoosk claim that they match you based on what they learn about you. There isn’t a place to do any kind of actual psychological stuff, but they have asked me some questions. Sometimes they show me someone I’ve talked to and ask if I will/want to meet them in person. I’m disturbed by the fact that they don’t ask “why”–does it matter that I don’t want to meet the person because he’s a smoker, because he lives in Oregon, because he was rude to me?

Zoosk had me take a ridiculous survey once–so ridiculous that I didn’t finish it. It asked if celebrity break ups made me despair about my own relationships lasting, which celebs I would most like to see in my carousel, and which celeb couples I think are mostly likely to stay together.

Your’e really doing your homework, Zoosk.

Zoosk has asked me if I’ll “only date other single parents.”

9. Which brings us to another problem.

On OKCupid, one of my basic facts is “has a kid, but doesn’t want more”–this is in a column beside my paragraphs about myself, in which I explain that I have a 22 year old. Now, many guys might see “has a kid” and not read the explanation, but Zoosk gives even fewer options for clarification.

On Zoosk, the only truthful option I have is “has children, at home.” This is right under my picture. To see my paragraphs about having an adult who lives at home, you have to scroll down to an entirely different page.

Most of the guys who message me, not surprisingly, have children, though the kids are young, as is normal for parents my age.

In other words, I get messaged by guys who assume I have young children, like they do. Guys who wouldn’t message a woman with young children probably automatically count me out, since the site makes it seem like I have little ones instead of an adult.

10. As usual, I try to narrow the catch in my net–I’m looking for quality over quantity, after all.

A few weeks ago, I made changes to both my Zoosk and my OKCupid profile, noting that I don’t hang out on the site to chat, but that “I answer basically every message I get, as long as it’s a real message–not just a ‘hi’ or ‘good morning.'” I also say, by my statement of not wanting a long distance relationship, that if a guy is a long or difficult drive away, that I’m not interested. OKCupid had no problem with this.

Zoosk sent me a message that my profile was approved, with some minor changes. It said they only changed something when the user was giving away personal details (address, etc). I went to my profile to see what they changed. Apparently, deleting both of the new statements in their entirety is “minor.” Fuming, I wrote to the tech guys and asked how my statements endangered my safety.

I got a message back about how they changed their mind and reinstated my changes.

Based on my awful time on this site, I can only imagine that they tried to fool me for one reason. They don’t want me to say anything that narrows the pool. They’re showing my picture to guys who are 3000 miles away and asking the guys if they’d like to meet me. They don’t want me to admit that I don’t chat or that it takes more than a wink to talk to me. They certainly don’t want me saying that San Jose is too far, even though it’s a two hour drive.

They want me to pay for their poor selection of men, while making it harder to attract them, and simultaneously charging me for misleading and poor service.

Zoosk, the only thing you’ve been number 1 at is frustration.

Here’s a series of short vignettes, most of which need (and deserve) no comment.

Man A messaged me, asking what I was doing over the weekend. He then asked for my number. I said I didn’t feel comfortable giving out my number that fast. A: “Okay. You take care. Adios.”

***

My profile says I’m looking for someone who is “liberal (especially socially), smart, sexy, secure in yourself, funny, appreciative of smart and funny women, and a nonsmoker. No long distance, please.”

Man B: Hi ! Everything said and done, how do I know if I am sexy or not !
This is precisely one question that bothered me while reading your profile details. And though I should not be messaging you because I smoke, still, I could not but ask this question. Again, how does one know if he/she is sexy?
I felt that you are not the type who defines sexiness simply by the amount of muscles or curves , hence felt like asking this . Thanks 🙂

Me: I’m sorry you were bothered by my request that a man be sexy. As you noted, there is no good way to define that clearly. However, that’s true for all of the other words I used. I want a man who’s smart, who’s funny, etc. Is there just one clear definition for those words? (I feel that they’re just as subjective as “sexy.”)

***

My profile also says I don’t want to get married or to live with someone.

Man C: I am a little curious about the partner thing. You are an attractive person but how come you aren’t looking to get married?

***

A guy messages me several months after a previous message: (Man D): If you’re still interested in getting to know one another, I’m interested. Although I see you as a great deal smarter than me, don’t know how we’d get on due to that.

[I’m trying to figure out if any woman would be allowed to say that, ever.]

***

Man E, whose profile said he was already “seeing someone,” messaged me with this: I’m job interviewing out of California, won’t be around much longer, so fuck it, have a little fun.

Straight men have lots of complaints about online dating. Number 1? Women don’t answer their winks or their messages.

Here’s why women don’t.

1. Guys don’t follow instructions. If a woman says she doesn’t want a long distance relationship, why would she answer you when you’re over 3000 miles away? If a woman says she wants kids and you don’t, why would she answer? If a girl says she won’t answer if you just say “hi” or if you haven’t actually filled out your profile, why would she answer a guy with no profile who just says “hi”? In short, answering is usually a huge waste of time.
2. Guys train us not to. I’ve been trying to be polite in this adventure–to answer all messages–even from the guys with no profile, the guys who just say hi, the smokers, the ones who have Jesus as part of every profile sentence, the guys in Germany, whatever. For the most part, this is a waste of time, but I do believe in politeness.

Now, in my answers, I don’t encourage these guys. Here’s what I tend to say, “Thanks for writing, but I don’t want a long distance relationship/don’t date smokers/do not describe myself as ‘God-fearing,’ which you said was essential in a partner/etc. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” Three whole guys have thanked me for answering and wished me well. Several have not answered back (this is just as okay as thanking me). However, the vast majority have had one of three responses:

A. Ignore what I said completely, just as they ignored what I said I was looking for in my profile. A recent response to my sorry-we’re-so-far-away-and-plus-you-said-the-only-book-you-read-is-the-Bible message: “Thank you for your response, i am happy to hear from you and knowing that you want us to communicate and learn more about each other. I also want you to know that you have a beautiful smile, I seek for a serious relationship, i have been divorced for 2years now, i have a son, [lots of information about his son and his business] I find your profile interesting and will like to learn more about you, please write me your email so that we can communicate more often.” This makes me never want to be polite again.

B. Argue with me about it, telling me that I should be open to long distance, or not picky about smoking, or learn about Jesus, or whatever. I don’t need my preferences questioned. I didn’t write you back and tell you to move, to quit smoking, to de-accept Jesus Christ, etc. I saw who you were and what you wanted, and it was clear we didn’t match. Your second email should not be a request that I change for you.

C. Insult me. Perhaps they tell me they didn’t really want to date a woman with a kid, that I’m arrogant, or, as one guy recently said, “I tend to like younger women anyway.” Again, this doesn’t make me want to be polite ever again.

One of the problems, of course, is that some guys get mad at you for being polite. I’m polite, both in answering at all and in what I say. For example, I don’t say I’m not interested because the guy seems insanely dumb or because he has values I find reprehensible or because she’s ugly, but all of those things are true sometimes. However, as mentioned above, I don’t want to give false encouragement, so I’m clear that I’m not interested. However, the fact that I answer at all is taken as encouragement by lots of guys. Thus, when I say, “Thanks for saying ‘hi,’ but your profile’s blank–perhaps you could fill it out?” they explain that they don’t want to but that I can ask them questions (I’ve written about this ridiculous proposition in a previous blog). When I tell them I don’t want to play 20 questions when they could just fill out the profile, they say, “Then why did you answer?”

Guys, you want us to answer; you hate it when we don’t. But then you give us so many reasons not to.

Online dating is like sex. If you ever want us to say yes, you have to be willing to accept the no too.

PS–There are two other explanations for women who don’t answer. Some sites have fake female profiles. Some women, especially attractive women in big cities, can get hundreds of messages a day. Sometimes they don’t even read your message. It’s not personal; it’s just a volume problem.

Went back on OKCupid today. I got a poorly written message almost immediately. I checked out this guy’s profile (which indicated that he would not allow a girlfriend to be friends with exes and said he believed jealousy was “healthy in a relationship.”) Of course, if he read through all of my profile, he would have seen that I explicitly state that I’m friends with my exes (these facts come out in the questions you answer on this site), and that I’m not going to end my friendships.
I’m not going to comment on this exchange–it speaks for itself.
Me: Hi, [. . .]. I read through your profile and the answers to your questions. I don’t think we’d be a good match–you are very clear that you’re not okay with women being friends with their exes, but I am, and I don’t want to enter a relationship that has jealousy.
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Him: Thanks for checking. Although I believe there is always something to give up for progress.
Me: That’s very true. Perhaps you should take your own advice and give up being jealous! Most people would consider that progress.

I recently told someone I didn’t want a second date with him. He said I was probably a racist.

One of the hardest parts of dating is having to tell someone that you’re not interested. When faced with this dilemma, I chose the least offensive but still true reason to give. Lately, though, guys haven’t taken the no as gracefully as I’ve tried to give it. I’ve been called shallow, racist, and a liar–in each case, the guy is arguing that my reason isn’t real–that it’s a cover for some darker thing that reflects badly on me. I can certainly understand the sour grapes impulse, but it’s frustrating to not have politeness returned.
Haven’t they ever heard the phrase “just not that into you”?
They guy mentioned above had several strikes–I didn’t really enjoy our conversation, he said he would never go to a play (even though he’d never been to one), he plans to move away next year, and he’d managed to forget that I have a son. I gave him the penultimate reason–which is true–I’m looking for a long-term partner. He said I was full of bullshit and that I was probably just a racist.

(I’d have to be an incredible racist–it’s one thing to refuse to date someone of another race–it’s another to agree to a date just to get a member’s of that race’s hopes up so that the racist might better dash them.)

Recently, a friend forwarded a great article about why a woman doesn’t always write back during online dating. I could so relate. In honor of that, culled from many years, here’s why I don’t want a second date.

You didn’t make eye contact.
You never asked me anything about myself.
The one response to finding out what I did for a living was “good for you.”
You’re not funny.

You said “I love you.”
You were really late even though you admitted you had nothing else happening in your life that day.
You pressured me for sex.
You laughed like a donkey–and I made you laugh a lot.

I said I was a feminist and you asked why I hated men.
You seemed too contemptuous of other people–too negative.
You had obviously lied in your profile.
I had no desire to have you touch me.

I told you what I did for a living and you physically recoiled.
You smelled bad.
You said, “so, since you’re a single mother, people don’t plan on dating you for long, right?”
You admitted you’re uncomfortable with smart women.

I didn’t think it would bother me that you’re my father’s age, but it did.
You talked about money too much.
You had an obvious wedding ring tan.
I let you kiss me and you didn’t move your tongue at all and then explained that you always kissed people like that the first time because you’re testing what a woman might do with her tongue to another body part.

You seem to be jealous and possessive already.
You don’t like it when women talk about sex or when they use bad words.
You proposed.
You gave me $100 in a card.

I was bored.
I wasn’t ready, really, to be on a first date with anyone.
You assumed I was a spoiled-daddy’s girl (yes, you used those words) and thought it would turn me on when you talked about how you would spoil me.
You tried to touch me way before it was okay.
Everything was a double-entendre, but none of them were even clever.
I was more interested in someone else.
We had talked on the phone and you’d asked the “how’d you end up a single mom” question. You asked it again on the date and expressed equal surprise at the answer, like you’d never heard it before.
Your mouth is exactly the same as another person’s I used to date–it’s creepy.

A brief story, from several weeks ago:
A man “met” me online. He never actually asked me out, but he would ask how my day was, what my plans were for the weekend, etc. I would tell him what I did that day, what I was going to do (grade, see friends, etc).
At one point, he wrote, “You seem pretty busy. Too busy for a new man in your life. 🙁 ”
[That sounded a little whiny.]
Me: Well, I am a busy person–I don’t sit around twiddling my thumbs. But when someone asks me out, I make the time to see him. I’ve been able to make time for a few dates this week, in fact.
Him: WOW. THANKS FOR THE TMI.

That was his last message.

So you meet a woman on a dating site, but then you get offended that she’s dating?
Wow. Thanks for the heads-up that you’re insecure!

My OKCupid profile is down for a little while. I suffer sometimes from OKCupid fatigue–this is one of those times.
That’s not to say I’m not going on dates.
What have I learned in my short time revisiting online dating?
1. Men care about pictures more than anything else. When I was revising my page, for a few hours, I just had pictures up. I got hundreds of “likes” and several messages when the only info there was my face.
2. Some men think women only care about the picture. As I’ve mentioned before, one of the benefits of OKCupid is that people can answer a bunch of questions and they can put together an appealing profile if they’re willing to put in a modicum of effort. However, many men will post one picture and then message with a boring “hi.” (For some reason, all of those men in this cycle have been Indian.) I have told a few of these men that we need a little more to go on. One man said he didn’t want to fill in his profile because he was hoping for “love at first sight.” Sigh.
3. The vast majority of men think “women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved.” Yes, that’s a question people can answer. I can understand if men said they would prefer for their girlfriend to be shaved, but believing that all women have that “obligation” is irritating.
4. Either men can’t read or they’re liars. One explanation for the problem in #3 is that men mean to signal a personal preference for their partner and that they don’t really read closely. I’ve had several guys who are tagged as bad matches–men who click yes on “I’m looking for a partner to have children with”–say things like “LOL. Did I say that? I’m still trying to figure out this app” when I ask about it. Um, either you don’t understand the difference between saying yes and no OR you are one of those guys who wants to lie to me (maybe hoping that you’ll be that one guy who changes my mind) OR you checked yes to lie to the women who *do* want that quality in a guy. Either way: red flag.
5. I’m tired of married men looking to cheat with me.
6. The vast majority of men are not bothered by spelling mistakes and would date someone who was messy or ditzy. Many would be fine dating a woman who had a strong negative opinion towards a particular race. Most say “the world would be better if stupid people weren’t allowed to breed.” Almost no one knows what “wherefore” means in R&J. Yes–these are all questions.
7. I would be dead if I’d ever played a drinking game with “LOL,” even if the rule was that I only had to drink when LOL accompanied an objectively nonfunny line. I’ve had to stop talking to several guys who use it at both the beginning and ends of perfectly serious sentences. “Have a good weekend. LOL.” “LOL. Maybe we should get a drink. LOL. How’s Saturday?”
8. Men get frustrated by my unwillingness to “chat.” I treat OKCupid like email before smartphones.* A few times a day, I go check my messages. I’ve had to turn off the chat feature because I wouldn’t actually be able to check messages if I were engaged in all the chatting people want to do. Many men then want to turn regular messaging into chats–when I log on, they say “good morning” & want me to answer–and keep answering–right away all day.
Usually I have about eight new messages when I log in in the morning–one or two from brand new people and several from guys I’ve been trading my apparently infrequent messages with. It’s all I can do to answer those messages and then get ready for work–I just can’t be starting eight involved conversations that are going to go on for a while.
I don’t know the guy point of view here–if they’re dealing with fewer people at any given time or whatever. I do know that the guys all seem to have OKCupid as an app on their phones–which thus notifies them the second they get a message–but I would find that to be a huge time sick [suck] and vaguely oppressive somehow (since I don’t do regular email that way).
I think the bottom line for me is that I want a few messages to see that you’re interested and that you don’t overtly suck. Then we should have a date. If it goes well, that’s when I’ll want to let you take up a lot of my time.
9. Many guys who’ve become friends with me in other social spaces, like Facebook, have expressed concern that they’ll end up in this blog. I’ve explained that only the most egregious cases end up here. I must also admit that I could certainly end up in other people’s blogs if they were writing. What’s up with that woman who won’t chat? What’s up with that woman who thinks the “Wherefore” question is important? One guy could tell a story about how I threw up on a date recently–thanks, ongoing medical mystery that is my body!
10. I’ll leave you with a ridiculous conversation with a guy who was never going to get a date with me. He started with “hi.” He’s my son’s age. His whole profile is about fishing. Turning him down was easy:
Me: It doesn’t look like we have anything in common. I hope you find what you’re looking for–have a great day.
Him: We don’t, but maybe we could be friends with benefits.
Me: I have friends for that. I’m looking for a partner.
Him: Well then maybe you could help me out–I don’t have that.
Me: My friends are actually my friends–whether I’m currently sleeping with them or not. You aren’t my friend–you’re a stranger. I’m not looking for a stranger to have sex with, as my profile makes clear.

(It should be noted, of course, that there were several hours between each exchange since I’m difficult.)

* I had to add the words “before smartphones” because it occurs to me that most of my readers treat regular email differently than I do, since I don’t work on my phone.

One of the new pics I had posted.