Movies*: 134

Ones I most recommend that you might not know about: 3 (The Mitchells vs. The Machines; the new Persuasion; Russell Howard: Lubricant)

Times an Irish woman sitting near me talked all the way through The Banshees of Inisherin, feeling really proud of herself for announcing what a character was about to do, when the character had just said, “I will do x,” but could not grasp one of the last plot points at all: 1

Number of the 53 Oscar nominated films seen: 48

of the Oscar shorts nominated:

4 of the documentary shorts

4 of the live action shorts

4 of the animated shorts

Short film festivals attended: 2

Resolutions to watch a short film a day in 2022: 1

Resolutions broken to watch a short film a day in 2022: 1

Short films watched in total, though: 103

abdominal migraines: 2

Shows rewatched in their entirety**: 14

(Got to Season 28 in The Simpsons rewatch)

Pies in apple bags: 1 (which my nephew ate most of)

Headlining stand-up performances: 1

Laptops broken by cat (with an assist from me): 1

New obsessive hobbies: 1 (genealogy)

Famous ancestors found: tons, cause we’re linked to John of Gaunt on mom’s side

Discoveries that my paternal grandfather’s parents were cousins: 1

Discoveries that I am linked to Scottish Andersons on both parents’ sides: 1

Times I found Daniel Boone in the tree: 1

Times I missed my grandfather, who would have been excited to see what I found as I continued his work: so many

Shows kept up with (and sometimes finished), not counting ones that were rewatched entirely***: 39

Countries traveled in: 5, two of which get their own blog (USA, Republic of Ireland, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Spain)

Incredible heat waves in Spain: 1

Trips to foreign ERs: 1

New tv shows watched****: 35

Hysterectomies that almost got cancelled due to COVID surge in the hospital: 1

Hours the boy waited in the waiting room for my hysterectomy: 12

Times vomiting while being wheeled out of the hospital, because they didn’t admit me for some reason: 2

Times I learned I have a weird M antibody in my blood: 1

Grammar errors in the letter UCD sent me about my weird blood: 3

Trips to Chicago: 2

Museums, galleries, heritage sites, etc: 58

Months I had to wait for an ear exam I needed: 5

Months still waiting for a dermatology appointment: 4

Health system fuck ups related to my allergies in just one week: 4

Average number of healthcare appointments, weekly: 3

Dear Friends Lost: 2

Weird Al shows missed cause I was in Dublin: 1

Trips to Nando’s: 14

Performing Stand-Up, here and abroad: 7

Senior stand-up shows: 3

Sold out stand-up class shows: 1

Times swimming: 3

Breweries in Napa: 1

Wineries in Napa: 1

Times I actually picked up my wine club selections from Placerville: 1

Different whiskies and scotches consumed whilst in the British Isles: 83

Atwood journals out: 1

Atwood journal pages: 405

Times I was surprised by the bad writing other journals apparently let their authors get away with, when reviewing the abstracts in the bibliography section: so many!

New breweries: 6 (3 in Indianapolis)

Servings of lamb: 20

Servings of the best fries in Indy: 2

Bourbons tried in Indy: 6

Atwood Newsletters produced: 3

Letters of Rec written: 12

Live comedy shows attended, including performances by Jim Gaffigan, Tig, Keith Lowell Jensen, John Mulaney, and Hannah Gadsby: 14

New shitty used cars: 1

Times a friend snuck in under my not dating anyone rule: 2

Times one of those friends became my boyfriend, then my fiancé: 1

Days without a bra in a row, since I fell in December and it hurt my busted shoulder too much to get into one: 60 (not counting the December days)

New Recipes Tried******: 61

Favorite new recipes: 7 (Dijon Thyme Burgers; Rosemary Paprika Chicken with Fries; Lamb Ragu; Red Lentil Soup with Lemon; “Best Damn Pork Tenderloin” in the Air Fryer; Huli Huli Chicken with Macaroni Salad with Lemon and Herbs; Chicken and Leek Stew)

Times I was able to cook in my little Dublin room: 0

White Elephant Parties with my new in-laws: 1

Quarters off for medical leave: 1

Days I was horrified anew at the state of the Republican party: 365

Texts from my fiancé’s QAnon mother (whom I have yet to meet & whom everyone keeps warning me about) to his brother, indicating that my fiancé was probably just marrying me for my money: 1

Times I have looked around my shitty apartment or worried about the horrible sounds my car makes and laughed about the idea of anyone thinking I have money: hundreds

Actual concrete plans to tie the knot made: 0

Dishes I made with last new year’s ham*******: 13

New, mysterious body problems: 4

Days waking up not in awful, continuously worsening pain: 0

Courses taught: 9

Terms abroad that almost didn’t happen: 1

Learning that that term abroad may not happen, for anyone, again: 1

Podcasts listened to********: 19

Applications for relief of my direct loans through TEPSLF: 1

Clarity about whether it’s been granted: 0

Letters from DOE saying my small parent loan will be forgiven if the Supreme Court allows it: 1

Times I served on an honors committee for a student writing on Atwood at another university: 1

Conferences attended: 3

Conference appearances I had to cancel to teach in Dublin: 3

Magazines subscribed to*********: 4

Tours of the Isle of Sky: 1

Rioja festivals: 1

Days overseas: 92

Times I explained to my mother why I was going to Peñíscola in Spain & told her how they spelled it: 2

Times my mother got her souvenir magnet from Peñíscola and said, “but did you realize they spelled Pensacola wrong on it: is this a joke magnet?”: 1

Covid Boosters: 1

Times I got Covid, despite all the world traveling I did: 0

Yay for vaccines!!!!!!

Books finished**********: 111

Anubis ER visits: 1

Anubis surgeries: 1

Years since I had physically seen my now fiancé when we had our first date: 20

Dates with said fiancé: 11

Shortest number of days each date consisted of: 3

Times my voting ballot got to me in Ireland, despite simply having my name and the name of the street on it: 1

Times I got dressed up with the Pumpkin King, in February: 1

Live Plays attended***********: 19

Times I posted about a play and then got to chat with the playwright: 1

Talks attended: 1 (Kendi)

Perfect engagement days: 1

The details:

*Movies: Labyrinth; Being the Ricardos; South Part: Post-Covid; The Wings of the Dove; Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them I; Chaplin; Return to Hogwarts; Queen Bees; Mary Poppins Returns; Luca; Paddington 2; Red Notice; Eddie Izzard: Sexie; Eddie Izzard: Stripped; Save Yourselves!; Force Majeure; Ron’s Gone Wrong; Living in Oblivion; Nights at the Museum Trilogy; Spenser; Don’t Look Up; Leslie Jones: Problem Child; Michael Che: Shame the Devil; The Courier; Sister Act; Russell Howard: Recalibrate; Tick, Tick, Boom!; The Addams Family; The Hand of God; Four Good Days; Ali Wong: Don Wong; Licorice Pizza; The Lost Daughter; The Worst Person in the World; Summer of Soul; Attica; Daniel Deronda miniseries; The French Dispatch; Keith Lowell Jensen: Not for Rehire; Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter Life Crisis: Iliza Shlesinger: Unveiled; Taylor Tomlinson: Look at You; Russell Howard: Lubricant (4x); Nate Bargatze special in The Standups; Nate Bargatze: The Tennessee Kid; Jim Gaffigan: Comedy Monster; Seeing Red; The Mitchells vs. The Machines; CODA; Drive My Car; Parallel Mothers; King Richard; Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings; Death on the Nile; Flee; West Side Story; The Tragedy of Macbeth; Nightmare Alley; Belfast (x2); No Time to Die; Cruella; Lunana: A Yak in the Classroom; The Eyes of Tammy Faye; Ascension; Death on the Nile; Beetlejuice; Lucy and Desi; The Iron Giant; The Adam Project; They Came Together; Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel; Doctor Strange 2; Travels with my Aunt; Kimi; A Room with a View; St. Elmo’s Fire; Tonight or Never; Special Agent; Le Test; Arthur Rambo; The Princess Bride; Brave; Meet the Parents; The Green Knight; Star Trek IV; Everything, Everywhere, All At Once (x2); Downton Abbey; Persuasion; Thor: Love and Thunder; Us; Uncharted; The Duke; The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent; Cabin in the Woods; Nope; Prey; See How They Run; Ron Funches: Giggle Fit; Decision to Leave; Black Adam; The Woman King; Enola Holmes 2; Confess, Fletch; Wakanda Forever; Hasan Minhaj: King’s Jester; The Wonder; Patton Oswalt: We All Scream; Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris; Mr. Malcolm’s List; Jurassic Park: Dominion; Trevor Noah: I Wish You Would; 4 Thin Man movies; The Fifth Element; Bridget Jones’s Diary; 8-bit Christmas; The Banshees of Inisherin; Bros; Aftersun; Disenchanted; She Said; Always; Once; Living; National Theatre Live: The Seagull, Jack Absolute Flies Again, The Book of Dust, Henry V, and Prima Facie; Marcel The Shell With Shoes On; Glass Onion

**Shows rewatched: Modern Family; Scrubs; The Good Place; Barry; Only Murders in the Building; Good Omens; For All Mankind; Resident Alien; The Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt; Ted Lasso; Community; I’m Sorry (3X); Avenue 5; Star Trek: Lower Decks

***Shows kept up with (and sometimes finished), not counting ones that were rewatched entirely: The Simpsons; The Expanse; Archer; Seaside Hotel; Dexter; Bob’s Burgers; All Creatures Great and Small; After Life; Saturday Night Live; Ramy; Reservation Dogs; Woke; Mr. Mayor; Discovery of Witches; Master of None; Star Trek: Discovery; The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel; Killing Eve; Picard; Outlander; Mr. Mayor; The Last Kingdom; Last Week Tonight with John Oliver; Hacks; Grace and Frankie; Stranger Things; Russian Doll; Bridgerton; Harley Quinn; Breeders; Better Call Saul; Disenchantment; The Crown; Dead to Me; Miss Scarlet and the Duke; Doctor Who; Late Night with Seth Meyers; The Good Fight; What We Do in the Shadows

****New Shows: The Other Two; Silent Sea; Around the World in 80 Days; Foundation; Invasion; Vienna Blood; Mare of Easttown; Sex Lives of College Girls; Siempre Bruja; Acapulco; Sweet Tooth; The Woman in the House Across from the Girl in the Window; The Gilded Age; Framed: A Sicilian Murder Mystery; The After Party; Awkwakina is Nora from Queens; Inventing Anna; Vikings: Valhalla; Our Flag Means Death; Abbot Elementary; Star Trek: Strange New Worlds; Kids in the Hall reboot; Vikings; Uncoupled; The White Queen; Sandman; Moonhaven; A League of Their Own; A Private Affair; She-Hulk Attorney at Law; The Extraordinary Attorney Woo; Paper Girls; Reboot; Station 11

******New Recipes Tried: Apple-Ham Quiche; Raspberry-Ham Sandwiches; Creamy Cauliflower, Potato, and White Bean Soup; Dijon Thyme Burgers; Garlic Soy Chicken Thighs; Piri Piri Chicken Breast and Pasta; Spanish Tortilla with Ham; Black Manhattan cocktail; Pad Krapow Gai; French Bread Pizza; Sweet and Sour Brussels Sprouts; Chili-spiced Chicken; One Dance cocktail; Kofta Burgers; Homemade Air Fryer Fries; Curried Lentil Stew with Ham; Chicken Parmesan Sliders; Chicken Bacon Ranch Bake; Slow Cooker Sweet and Sour Chicken; Rosemary Paprika Chicken with Fries; Spiralized Potato Nests; French Onion Pork Chops; Sesame Chicken in the Slow Cooker; Cumin Burgers with Harissa Mayo; Air Fryer Cod Sandwich; Air Fryer Salmon Patties; Hoisin Pork in the Air Fryer; Air Fryer Burgers with Thai Peanut Sauce; Homemade Pizza with homemade crust; Better Than Sex Cake; Pork in Plum Sauce; Shrimp, Brussels, and Polenta in the Air Fryer; Lamb Ragu; Red Lentil Soup with Lemon; Thai Drumsticks in the Air Fryer; Mojo-Marinated Pork; Chicken Cordon Bleu in the air fryer; Chicken Burgers with Spicy Peanut Sauce; Sweet Hot Baked Chicken Breast; “Best Damn Pork Tenderloin” in the Air Fryer; Chinese Pork Medallions with Ginger Lemon Sauce; Fig and Ginger Upside-Down Cake; Pork Tenderloin in Chimichurri; Teriyaki Chicken and Bok Choy; Thai-Style Stir-fried Ground Pork with Basil (Pad Ka Prao); Huli Huli Chicken with Macaroni Salad with Lemon and Herbs; Grilled Okra, Corn, and Tomato Salad; Vietnamese Lemongrass Pork; Chicken and Leek Stew; Ham Hock and Lentil Soup; Air Fryer Chili Lime Chicken Thighs; Limoncello Mojito; Middle Eastern Herb and Garlic Chicken; Soboro Donburi; Crunchy Baked Pesto Chicken Thighs; Garlic Chili Green Beans with Black Bean Chicken; Chef John’s Drunken Noodles; White Manhattan cocktail; White Lady cocktail; New York Sour cocktail

*******Dishes I made with my new year ham: Cubanos; Raspberry-Ham Sandwiches; Apple-Ham Quiche; Baked-Potato Soup; Ham Dinner; Andouille Mac and Cheese; Creamy Cauliflower, Potato, and White Bean Soup; Split Pea Soup; Spanish Tortilla with Ham; Curried Lentil Stew with Ham; Quiche; Ham Tetrazinni; Lentil Soup with Ham

********Podcasts: Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me; You’re Wrong About; Morning Edition; Reveal; Savage Lovecast; This American Life; Side Door; Radio Lab; On Our Watch; Dolly Parton’s America; The Experiment; Mississippi Goddamn; The Trojan Horse Affair; The War of the Roses; American History Tellers; We Were Three; Working it Out; LeVar Burton Reads; This Podcast Will Kill You

*********Magazines: The New Yorker; Asimov’s; Discover; Fantasy and Science-Fiction Magazine

**********Books: Contemporary Women’s Post-Apocalyptic Fiction by Susan Watkins; The Rivers of London Books 7 & 8 & 9, Tales from the Folly by Ben Aaronovitch; The President’s Brain is Missing by John Scalzi; Dearly by Margaret Atwood; Still Life by Sarah Winman; Meat Cute: The Hedgehog Incident by Gail Carriger; Delightfully Deadly trilogy by Gail Carriger; Inanna’s Tears by Rob Vollman & MPMANN; Cathedral by Raymond Carver; Jim Henson’s Labyrinth: Coronation volumes; Wolf Hall; D: A Tale of Two Worlds by Michel Faber; Monstress vol. 1 by Marjorie Liu and Sana Takeda; The Best of Me by David Sedaris; The Best American Comics 2018; A History of Wild Places by Shea Ernshaw; Ancient Egypt by Campbell Price; Little Weirds by Jenny Slate; Hamnet by Maggie O’ Farrell; The Windup Girl by Paolo Bacigalupi; Circus of Wonders by Elizabeth Macneal; Gallant by V.E. Schwab; Ink & Sigil 2 by Kevin Hearne; Ark by Veronica Roth; Randomize by Andy Weir; Emergency Skin by N.K. Jemisin; The Kaiju Preservation Society by John Scalzi; No Country for Old Gnomes by Kevin Hearne; How Quini the Squid Misplaced His Klobucar by Rich Larson; My Evil Mother by Margaret Atwood; Wolf of Wessex by Matthew Harffy; What Have You Changed Your Mind About? by John Brockman; Kaikeyi by Vaishnavi Patel; Everything My Mother Taught Me by Alice Hoffman; Halfway to Free by Emma Donoghue; How the Multiverse Got Its Revenge by K. Eason; The Year of Lear by James S. Shapiro; Hurricane Girl by Marge Dermansky; Wild Country and Crowbones by Anne Bishop; The Rabbit Factor by Antti Tuomainen; Incryptid 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 by Seanan McGuire; The Magician’s Diary by C.J. Archer; A Shitload of Crazy Powers by Jackson Ford; Unforgettable by Eric James Stone; Paladin’s Grace & Paladin’s Strength by T. Kingfisher; Florida Woman by Deb Rogers; An Elderly Lady is Up to No Good by Helene Tursten; The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean; Where the Drowned Girls Go by Seanan McGuire; The Pirate Queen by Judith Cooke; Woman, Eating by Claire Kohda; Artifact Space by Miles Cameron; Clocktaur books by T. Kingfisher; We Are Bone and Earth by Esi Edugyan; Ash Wednesday by Paula McLain; The Near Witch by V.E. Schwab; Uncharted Waters by Sally Hepworth; You’re Invited by Amanda Jayatissa; One Way by SJ Morden; Themes and Variations by David Sedaris; Young, Damned, and Fair by Gareth Russell; That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Demon by Kimberly Lemming; The Dispatcher by John Scalzi; Keeper of Enchanted Rooms by Charlie N. Holmberg; The Book of the Unnamed Midwife by Meg Elison; That Leviathan, Whom Thou Hast Made by Eric James Stone; A Psalm for the Wild-Built: 1 by Beck Chambers; The Princess Beard by Kevin Hearne and Delilah S. Dawson; The School Mistress by Tess Thompson; The City of Brass by S.A. Chakraborty; Glass and Steele 4, 5, & 6 by C.J. Arthur; The Changeling by Victor LaValle; The Man Who Died by Antti Tuomainen; A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine; Palm Beach, Finland by Antti Tuomainen; Magic Bitter, Magic Sweet by Charlie N. Holmberg; The Fortunes of Jaded Women by Carolyn Huynh; The Spare Man by Mary Robinette Kowal; Letter to My Younger Self, edited by Jane Graham; Maniac of New York series of comics; ExtraOrdinary series of comics; The Maid by Nita Prose; The Pull of the Stars by Emma Donoghue

***********Plays: Pass Over; Death and Harry Houdini; Lifespan of a Fact; Smart People; Sanctuary City; The Last Return; Vanishing Grace; Lost Hearts; The Best Man; The Whiskey Wars; Solar Bones; Potted Potter; If These Wigs Could Talk; Haunted; Sky Falls; The Weir; An Lan; Afterplay; Tootsie

I got my final grades in today for Spring 2022–it’s the end of my 23rd year of teaching.

My 24th year begins on 6/20, starting with class 316. Over the next week, I need to finish putting the course page together.

And I’m starting to panic: in addition to teaching both summer sessions, I have to get ready to leave the country twice. I leave for Spain in three weeks: I have two conferences back to back there.

And it’s official: I’m going to Dublin at the end of September.

I need my brain to shut up about it all, though, so I can sleep. It’s especially worried right now about how to pack for over two weeks in Spain (while working) and almost three months in Dublin. It keeps reminding me that I’m not supposed to carry anything heavy.

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve introduced the senior comedy show, been to Jacob’s goodbye show, and hosted the extraordinary stand-up class final performance.

I got all dressed up for the senior comedy show: the theme was black tie, and I didn’t have an appropriate outfit, so I had to get a new one. I pulled some black heels out of the very top of the closet. The bottom of both came off before I made it out on stage.

Saying goodbye to my graduating comedy students is breaking my heart.

Last weekend, I saw three plays: a workshop of a new musical about Houdini, Henry V via National Theatre Live, and The Lifespan of a Fact at CapStage. I was especially interested in the latter, since I’ve met its subject, John D’Agata. His aversion to fact checking (and the play about it) is mentioned in Melissa and my sources textbook. One of the authors of the play and I got to chatting on social media after I posted about it.

I’ve recently started dating again. In fact, I was a very sweet guy’s first date from the internet ever. He seemed genuinely surprised when I told him how common it was to find someone there. I had an awful second date with someone too.

Dating is always anxiety producing, and I think of Margaret Atwood’s quote in Cat’s Eye: “I’d been reading modern French novels and William Faulkner as well. I knew what love was supposed to be: obsession, with undertones of nausea.”

The boy and I saw Bob’s Burgers: The Movie, which was great.

My colleagues and I got together at the park–someone missing how I used to spoil them at the grading sessions I ran asked me to make something, so I treated them all to rum cake.

My son’s new girlfriend gave me farm-fresh eggs, and I made quiche, scrambled eggs, and pound cake. She also brought me a new whiskey: so good!

I’ve also been writing a lot of letters of rec, I got a dental cleaning and filling fix, did my yearly eye appointment, and ordered new glasses. I also wrote a furious letter to UCD, after a shot nurse there decided she was done giving me the asthma drug I desperately need, without telling me (I was still on the schedule and still showed up for my appointment, though she was nowhere to be found), and without making sure I could get the shots with my new allergist. So I guess I’m just going to miss this month’s doses.

I watched the first day of Congressional testimony in the January 6th investigation and cried.

I didn’t get Covid, though I feared I would. It’s a matter of time, I know. It’s just too contagious to avoid it forever.

In closing today, I’ll leave you with the best compliment I got from a graduating student: “Yours was the first class at UCD that I couldn’t bullshit my way through.”

I’ve been mostly nose to the grindstone this week, which means I have the syllabus and first week ready for my two Summer Session 2 courses that start in a month and that I’m caught on the course running now.

Someone close to me got some wonderful news that’s had me smiling all week, but it’s not mine to share.

Friday night, though, sucked.

I’ve started talking to a few people on Bumble, and Saturday night, I was supposed to have my first first date in two years. I put got relatively gussied up and went to the bar. I got there a little early, so I texted him that I had a table in the back and settled in the back.

He never showed.

It was surprising, since he had texted a few times that day about how excited he was to meet me.

After waiting 45 minutes, I messaged, “not coming?” And then I headed home.

He blocked me instead of answering.

Was he just playing games? Did he chicken out?

Naturally, the negative voice in my head has a lot to say about this. She’s sure he came, he saw, and he decided I’m too fat to even be polite to over a drink.

For the record, she’s been saying I’m too fat for love for the last sixty pounds, and before that, she said I was too flat chested and single-mothery.

But I am overweight, and the fact that I’m getting healthier and losing weight doesn’t shut her up.

I wasn’t overly invested in this guy, but that doesn’t take away the sting.

I hate that the negative voice will be able to feed on this for the foreseeable future.

Luckily, I did get my first first date yesterday–a mini one, since it was last minute and I had other dinner plans–with a guy who doesn’t seem to be a player, a chicken, or an asshole.

In other news, my first two wraps are here, after Facebook told me to splurge.

Today, I’m exhausted, so I’m trying to rest up before tomorrow starts another long week, watching Ragnarok on Netflix.

First, the horrifying news: a former student was abducted and murdered in Russia. We were no longer in contact, but my mind conjured her the second I saw her name. She was an extraordinary young woman.

My 304th class began–and advanced writing course at SCC (asynchronous). A few students are already awesome, and a few are already getting on my nerves, due to the inability to go a few hours without emailing me about something they could totally find themselves. I got the whole course loaded–all six weeks are set up on Canvas. And this week I start figuring out my two UCD courses that start just as the SCC one ends.

The Sacramento French Film Festival was this week, so I watched nine films and all the shorts. I also managed to finish the latest season of American Gods and Nghi Vo’s The Chosen and the Beautiful. My brain wants to write nine papers about the former, and I’m glad the latter is part of The Bloggess’s book club, because I need to talk about it. It is beautifully written, but there’s one bold choice that I just don’t get/appreciate. Without giving anything away, I’ll just say that a metaphor becomes literalized in a jarring way that doesn’t really add anything (for me).

I discovered this recipe for skillet enchiladas, and I will never roll enchiladas up and stick them into a hot oven again.

I was part of the judging for Prized Writing (and had another student win), got to celebrate the end of the year with my union, and had a productive end-of-year meeting with the Stand Up Club.

My body has not been helpful at all this week, but I’m back up to 45 minutes on my walk.

I also created a Bumble profile. I’m not really doing anything with it yet. I realize that as things open up, I’ll want to have someone to go to events with–and while I have lots of friends for that, it might be nice to have sex after an event every once in a while.

I’m still hesitant, though, about dating again. It’s often such a demoralizing hassle. And I don’t think I’m looking for anything long-term right now.

Many years ago, I tried Zoosk. It wasn’t for me, so much so that I panned it in this review.

I mention the site in our textbook on sources, when explaining how many articles on the internet are ads in disguise. An article on dating sites listed Zoosk as the best. The fine print on the source explained that they’re marketers–in other words, Zoosk probably paid for that article.

Last week, when I was reconciling my bank statement, I discovered two ~40$ charges to Zoosk on the same day–one recurred a month later.

All kinds of panic set in–someone had my debit card number, after all.

The conversation with customer support at Zoosk was irritating. The agent kept asking for the “order numbers” to find the transactions. I didn’t have those, of course, since I didn’t do the orders.

(The transaction numbers on my bank statement applied to something else.)

We finally found them, though, and the agent assured me she would reverse the charges. “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Ummmm . . . did the person just steal my card, or did they re-activate my old account and are posing as me?”

“I don’t know. I refunded the charges.”

I had class starting in just a few minutes, and I needed to report the fraud to the bank, so I had to get off the phone without any closure.

But it just reinforced all the bad feelings about Zoosk.

They weren’t interested in whether someone had a fake profile up.

Nor were they interested that someone with a profile had committed a crime.

Pretty sure that person won’t even know I found out until their month’s subscription is up.

Many years ago, I wrote a post about a guy who scared me off poly dating, P.

He pressured me into defining myself as poly (in his terms) and delimiting my dating choices very quickly into the relationship.

In Iceland, Melissa and I talked about it, and I knew I had to break up with him.

He had been wanting to come over when I got home, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that.

Part of the problem of our relationship was the endless nagging and pressure, and I know I couldn’t cope with breaking up with him in person at my house after about twenty-four hours of travel, since that would also be an invitation for nagging and pressure.

And so I called him on a layover to tell him not to come.

(I apologized for doing it over the phone, multiple times.)

He has gotten in touch a couple of times over the years, and I’ve told him I’m not interested in resuming a relationship.

He got in touch with me again this week.

He says it’s not because he wants to date me, but because he misses me. I reminded him that we dated for a few weeks half a decade ago, that we were never intertwined in each other’s lives, and that I hadn’t enjoyed most of the few weeks we had spent together, so I didn’t miss us.

His attempt at reconnection did give me an opportunity to check something, though.

Whenever there’s a breakup, a relationship, a conversation, the two people remember it differently.

We construct a narrative that we think is true.

So I asked him what his narrative about our breakup was.

He said that he’d misinterpreted my asking for space to mean not to contact me much when I was in Iceland, and that I’d broken it off because we didn’t talk much that week.

He said that’s what I implied when I called him from the airport.

I remember mentioning us not talking much that week, but it was toward the latter middle of the call. And that’s not at all why I broke it off.

In my memory, during the layover call, he was trying to convince me to still let him come over. He said that we had to decide, as a couple, that a breakup was the thing to do. And I said breakups could be unilateral decisions.

He said he also wanted to talk to me because he’d taken a job in Reno, and we needed to figure out how to maintain our relationship, like maybe I would go to Reno one or two nights a week.

The Reno thing made me feel even better about my decision. There was no way in hell I was going to drive to Reno all the time.

A reference to not talking much while I was in Iceland came up here, as I pointed out that we obviously weren’t in the kind of heavy duty relationship he kept insisting we were in if he could take a job in Reno without mentioning it to me for days and days.

None of this really matters now, of course, but I wonder what narratives I have that are wrong.

(Can any of them be wrong, fellow postmodernists, when there is no truth?)

In a breakup a few years ago, I witnessed the construction of an alternate narrative. I was trying to explain to someone that I wasn’t happy, that I hadn’t been for a while.

“At first, I thought it was because I’m working so hard, but then I realized it was the relationship that isn’t working for me.”

“Of course,” he said. “You have been working hard. And I can see why it would be hard to be in a relationship with you working so much.”

And I just shut up.

He didn’t ask me what about the relationship didn’t work.

He had his narrative.

And I had mine.

A little over a year ago, I broke up with someone and decided to take a break from dating.

(I took a break from that when I was in Oxford.)

After much reflection, I’m not going to restart dating any time soon.

Now, I’m not saying that if I meet someone out in the wild and feel a spark that I won’t succumb, but the active search is off.

The very thought of activating a dating profile fills me with exhaustion and existential dread.

I’ve spent a lot of this year just staying alive, including surviving another herniated disc. I’m never bored, never lonely. There aren’t large gaps of time waiting for a guy to fill. I’d have to create gaps for one, and I don’t have the energy to do it.

And now for the existential dread. I’m not sure exactly what I even want. I just know what I don’t want. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want more kids. I don’t want to live with someone.

And in looking back at a factor of some failed relationships, I don’t want guys in my workspace. I can almost never take a whole weekend off, which is both a product of my workaholism and of the financial circumstances that have me teaching way more than a full-time load every year.

It’s sometimes okay when I’m grading papers at a guy’s place.

But I just can’t seem to do it when they’re at mine. I mean, I get the grading done, but it takes longer because I have to turn on the tv or whatever to keep him entertained in a space that’s not his own. And it wears on me a bit, having to work so much. And then I find myself getting annoyed by this person who isn’t working. And I feel pressure to finish faster cause he’s at my place.

This isn’t how it is at first, of course. In the honeymoon phase, I want to spend as much time as possible with the guy. Nothing annoys me, not even the objectively annoying stuff.

But the honeymoon phase is shorter and shorter as the years go by. I don’t know if this is because I’m getting more intolerant or just more honest. Or both.

I think, though, that the phase lasts longer if I only see him when I can actually carve out that time or when we can be at his place when the work has to overlap with the notwork.

I miss the sex, of course. And I definitely need more oxytocin.

But right now, I don’t miss having a boyfriend. I feel relieved I don’t have to negotiate someone else’s feelings with I’m suffering with this incredible flu.

I know all of this might change. But for now, don’t expect a lot of entries in this thread.

In my last post, I talked about how many daters and many scammers sound exactly the same.

On Thursday, I added someone on Facebook. The guy’s profile mentioned Oxford under education, so I thought he might be someone I’d met (and forgotten) last summer.

I quickly discovered that was not the case. And I tried to quickly dissuade him.

(I now live in horror that I’m on some “suggesting list” on Facebook.)

(To post this for you, dear reader, I had to draw on a phone screenshot for the first time.)

Let’s skip ahead, while he keeps telling me I have to talk to him since I’m pretty.

I had been thinking he was just one of those clueless guys who won’t take no for an answer and who have no sense of empathy. But the part with the widower with a wife who died that way gave me deja vu. I’m pretty positive I’ve had another guy on Facebook say that exact thing.

Or else this guy tried this line on me last year, but neither of us really remember.

Let’s skip ahead some more, to where he’s been in love with me for days somehow, even though this conversation started about an hour ago.

I told him he was ridiculous. I’d already unfriended him, but book group was starting, so I got too distracted to block him.

Now his posts are gone; FB says his account requires verification.

Glad I took the pics for you, dear reader, when I could.

I’m not on any dating sites right now, but I keep getting flashbacks.

What’s triggering me?

Spam.

Certain kinds of spammers and certain kinds of men sound exactly alike.

The biggest similarity? Their use of “beloved” and “dear” before I’ve even answered.

This is an instant turn off for me. I know it’s probably a cultural thing, but guys who want dates should know they sound exactly like guys who want my money.

Who said it, would-be spammer or would-be dater?

“dear , i just want to be a friend.”

“hi how ru”

“I am glad to have you beloved”