A Short Autobiography

This quarter, I’m teaching 104J: Writing in Social Justice.

The first assignment is an autobiography to share with the class–it can be in any genre but must be no more than 500 words.

I decided to write one too.

What came out, as I noted, wasn’t what I wanted or expected.

My brain is still processing some core issues–my relationship with Daddy & what I’ve learned about my mind/body connection.

I’m going to write one of these every time I teach this class, to see how it changes.

Without further ado:

31 True Things

1. Karma is my given name.
2. (Dr. is my earned one.)
3. Someone once said I was in chronic pain because my name was not Christian—God was punishing me for my father’s choices.
4. My father died when I was very young.
5. My faith in God died much later.
6. My faith was in “Daddy,” my grandfather who raised me when I was little.
7. My faith in him got stronger when my mother, an emotionally abusive alcoholic, took me back.
8. I lost my Daddy two years ago next month.
9. His disapproval lacerates me.
10. And remembering I disapproved of his politics, his racism, his disapproval, doesn’t even anything out.
11. I argue with him and others in my head constantly.
12. That’s part of being a chronic worrier.
13. Chronic worrying and chronic pain are both tied to high ACE (childhood trauma) scores and PTSD.
14. We think that if we keep worrying, keep thinking, keep spinning, we’ll find a way out of chaos.
15. The “unexplainable” spasms are the same—every muscle tense and ready—but ironically too tense to physically run away from whatever they’re afraid of, if I had to.
16. I’m also a workaholic.
17. People say I work harder than anyone they know.
18. The tone is awe, with overtones of worry & pity.
19. I’m in a trap, working hard to pay down student loans and medical debt.
20. Then my doctors tell me to work less, because I’m killing myself.
21. Sometimes I think I keep trying to do everything at once—publishing, traveling, teaching—because I might not have much time left.
22. This isn’t how I wanted this list to go.
23. I wanted images of geekery, theatre, writing, cats, books, friends, family, cooking, pop culture, teaching, . . .
24. Maybe I would open up about my fears & how I’m insecure about my body, and vain about my hair, and how I’ve loved and lost but sometimes not loved at all.
25. I wanted this to be a list to show I’ve survived.
26. And if multiple degrees and (a)vocations I love and a great chosen family and putting my son through his first quarter century are the criteria, how I’ve thrived.
27. He was born to a teenage mother, but his ACE score is a hell of a lot lower than mine.
28. That might be my greatest accomplishment.
29. No—it’s that he’s smart & funny, and we genuinely like each other.
30. I make jokes about all of these things in my stand-up.
31. Lord Byron said, “And if I laugh at any mortal thing, ‘tis that I may not weep.”