2015 Year in Review

As I’ve thought about my year, the theme is inescapable. It’s been a year of loss.

I lost the best relationship I’ve had in my life to date, leading me to the disastrous adventures I’ve chronicled here. (It should be noted, of course, that I’ve only written about guys who would never get either a first date or a second. I haven’t yet written about the seven guys who have managed to have two or more dates and the misery that accompanied some of them.) Suffice it to say that I miss being in a relationship, I miss intimacy, I miss being held. It just doesn’t seem right that only cats and toddlers touch me.

I lost my Jareth over the summer, and it still hurts. I find it surprisingly sad that I can just hang the toilet paper up on the roll and that it remains unmolested, that no one is picking out an ornament about four or five feet high on the tree and deciding to go at it with a good flying leap so that it might be destroyed, that no one enforces a ban on tacks being on the walls by prying them out with tiny teeth. I shouldn’t have to sleep not only without a man but also without my little girl, who would come make a nest out of my hair to curl up in while she nibbled my head or neck until she fell asleep. It’s all these months later, and when one of the other cats comes into my room in the middle of the night, my sleepy mind thinks it’s her, and then I have to remember that it isn’t. It happened this morning again.

I lost one of the closest relationships in my life. As many of you know, a year and a half ago, I took in my aunt when she became disabled and could not obtain care in the Obamacare-refusing South. We all expected it to be challenging, especially since I couldn’t afford to move us to a bigger place. What none of us expected was the emotional stress it caused–I was suddenly living with emotional circumstances too much like my dysfunctional childhood. I had flashbacks and nightly nightmares. My blood pressure shot up, and my own health got worse. I tried counseling, but it takes two, and one of us resisted. I got diagnosed with PTSD, and the situation became untenable. My aunt now lives with a roommate here in Davis and is holding a lot of anger and pain, for which I don’t blame her. But she denied it when I try to talk about it; the idea of counseling has been unilaterally banned. Now, she’s decided I’m “evil”–that I do things intentionally to hurt her. It’s a defense mechanism, I know. But I’m in great mourning. For 40 years, she was my second mother, my closest ally, my best friend. Naturally, this schism has rippled through the family, and my relationships with other family members are suffering. Neither my aunt nor I have ever meant to hurt each other, but we have done so, greatly. But at least she has access to healthcare now.

My grandfather is losing the ability to hold conversations, and so it’s difficult–practically and emotionally–to talk to him. He’s also getting ready to shuffle off his mortal coil. Earlier this year, he wrapped up our conversation by telling me he loved me just as I am. He’s always told me he loved me, but addendum was new. I am, and have been for decades now, a great disappointment, since I’m liberal and I live in California and I teach at a University, etc. Daddy’s a man of few words, and those few made me sob.

These are the things I dwell on when I can’t sleep, that wake me up at night, and that greet my consciousness in the mornings.

However, there have also been some wonderful things this year.

Anubis tried to die (a few times), and while my savings are completely depleted from keeping him from doing so, he is running around like a kitten again.

In some ways, I’ve gotten my son back. When my aunt was living here, I basically never saw him–he stayed in his room all the time. Now, he’s back in our living room/office again.

I only went to the ER once; I haven’t thrown up since July. My team is still working on all the problems–not making much headway at the moment, but I can do what I need to do on most days.

I got to meet my new niece, Lucy, to spend time with my nephew, Jack, and to watch nephew Liam and niece Artemis grow when they come over every week. Plus, all of these children got me great Christmas presents. 🙂

A free Southwest flight got me a visit with Tiffany, Denise, and Vanessa. My work trips took me to Portland, Vancouver, New Orleans, London, Oxford, Fort Wayne, and Iceland! Next year, I’ll be in San Diego, Seattle, and London–probably more places too.

(I still need to blog about Iceland.)

I got to go to the following shows: The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain; Sarah Vowell; Paula Poundstone; Julian Sands; Tim Meadows; Mnozil Brass; King Lear; A Doll’s House; Weird Al; Hamlet; Warp 11; Margaret Cho; Mr. Burns: A Post-Electric Play (by Anne Washburn); Ira Glass: Three Acts, Two Dancers, One Radio Host; Big Wow! ComicFest; Dan Savage; Sac Con (where I did a Simpsons Trivia Panel); Eddie Izzard; Sacramento French Film Festival; Man and Superman; Anna Devere Smith: Notes From the Field: Doing Time in Education; The Book of Mormon; Much Ado About Nothing; Kathleen Madigan; Coriolanous; Pink Martini; Vince Gilligan; The Reduced Shakespeare Christmas Pageant; Disgraced. I also got to spend some time with Temple Grandin.

I got to be on NPR and on The Huffington Post. I gave a sermon on The Simpsons at the UU Church, and I was part of two talks at CapStage. I gave quite a few special talks at UCD and did stand-up comedy with my students.

My classes (all sixteen of them) went well, and I got a few people into med school, law school, etc. Two of my students got into Prized Writing. The Upper Division Comp Exam has started running smoother, now that I know what I’m doing and now that I’ve revised the rubric for clarity.

I won the AF Excellence in Teaching Award and a Professional Development Grant (didn’t get my raise, but that’s under appeal). My collection on Atwood came out. My article on Sherlock came out. An autobiographical piece will be published soon, and I’ve just had a scholarly article accepted for the premiere issue of a Sci-Fi journal. I got an edition of the Atwood journal out and launched the online platform for it. Melissa Bender and I will submit our book collection to McFarland in a month, and I’ll turn in my essay on The X Files in two weeks. Denise and I are moving forward on a new Simpsons collection.

And then there are my friends. My house is full a couple of times a week. There have been good meals, good tv, good wine, good cocktails, good happy hours, good trips.

My friends, I am so thankful for you, and I look forward to our next year together.