Area woman is “fucked up,” say doctors.

Davis, Ca: An area woman with an odd name (for privacy, we’ll call her Sharma Shaltonen) has confounded the many health care providers in her town.

Her cranial sacral therapist is dismayed by her eyes: “Even when she’s relaxed, with her eyes closed, it’s like I’m looking at someone in R.E.M. sleep.” The therapist suggested the primary care physician do a brain scan.

“I already have,” he complained, shrugging his shoulders. We were hoping to find something to explain her symptoms–we would have been happy to find alien eggs about to hatch–at least it would have been some kind of explanation.” Her physician had earlier sent her back to a neurologist she’d seen some years before, but “he just sent her back to me–he said he didn’t know what to do then and he didn’t know what to do now and wondered why I was wasting his time.”

Sharma’s chiropractor was equally confused. “I talk about her all the time,” he began. “I’ve never seen a patient who was so flexible and who’s bones were so unyielding. I can twist her into a pretzel, but I can’t get the bones to release.”

Sharma’s allergist was perhaps the least confounded. He at least understood what was wrong with her, at least within his own specialty. “She’s allergic to everything except mold and cockroach dander. She’s difficult to treat because any time we raise the dose on the allergen treatment, she goes into shock.” The allergist is hopeful, though, and thus has her on seven different treatments/medications. Two were added today, as Spring is coming. This particular doctor, whose entire practice is made up of people with allergies, refers to Ms. Shaltonen as his “allergic” patient.

We tried to reach Sharma for comment, but when our reporter arrived at her office, we found her on the floor, covered in student papers, seemingly asleep, with her eyes twitching.

The patient (front), apparently about to faint on another woman.